“Yessah, Ah wuz,” replied Uncle; “but Ah guess Ah ain’t smaht enough to expound de Scriptures.  Ah almost stahved to deff tryin’ to explain de true meanin’ uv de line what says ‘De Gospel am free.’  Dem fool niggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn’t to git no salary.”

The college boys played a mean trick on “Prexy” by pasting some of the leaves of his Bible together.  He rose to read the morning lesson, which might have been as follows: 

“Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial.” (He turned a leaf.) “She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth.” (A pause and careful scrutiny of the former page.)

He resumed:  “Now Johial took unto himself a wife,” etc. (Leaf turned.) “She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and was pitched within and without—­” (Painful pause and sounds of subdued mirth.) “Prexy” turns back again in perplexity.

“Young gentlemen, I can only add that ’Man is fearfully and wonderfully made’—­and woman also.”

See also Drinking.

BIGAMY

The Bugamist.

A June bug married an angleworm;
An accident cut her in two. 
They charged the bug with bigamy;
Now what could the poor thing do?

—­Punch Bowl.

A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address: 

“The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance.  It reminds me of a certain Kansas City police court.

“A policeman rose in this court to testify against a prisoner.

“‘Wot’s this here feller charged with?’ the magistrate demanded.

“‘Bigotry, judge,’ the police answered.  ‘He’s got three wives.’

“‘Three!’ cried the magistrate.  ’Why, you ignoramus, that ain’t bigotry.  That’s trigonometry!’”

“I left my money at home,” said the lady on the train to the conductor.  “You will have to trust me.  I am one of the directors’ wives.”

“I am sorry, madam,” replied the conductor.  “I can’t do that, even if you were the director’s only wife.”

BILLS

COLLECTOR—­“Did you look at that little bill I left yesterday, sir?”

HOUSE MEMBER—­“Yes; it has passed the first reading.”

Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of long standing.  Before his suit was settled he met the butcher on the street and, to the man’s great embarrassment, stopped to ask why he had ceased sending around for his order.

“Why, Mr. Webster,” said the tradesman, “I did not think you would want to deal with me when I’ve brought suit against you.”

“Tut! tut!” said Mr. Webster, “sue me all you wish, but for heaven’s sake don’t try to starve me to death!”

“My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat.”

“Did you laugh him to scorn?’”