“Look here!” he demanded.  “I suppose you ain’t the chap that pulled the cord?”

Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a vacation.

“We can’t get along very well without you,” said the boss.  “You don’t need a vacation.  You’ll only blow in your money and come back broke.”

“I like to have vacation,” persisted Tony.  “I get married, and I kinda like to be there.”

WELSH

Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.

A person died.  He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman.  But the will was conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the testator’s coffin.  On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number of coins somehow—­shillings, sixpences and coppers—­and made up his contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman’s fiver.  The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with the remark, “That’s easier.”

A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.

The undertaker was a Welshman.

WESTMINSTER ABBEY

It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different impressions from viewing the same sights.  A Suffolk girl, who had been staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she had been in Westminster Abbey.  “Yes,” she replied, “I went in and sat down, but I didn’t stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries.”

WHISKY

A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass of whisky and water.  Having tasted it, he exclaimed: 

“Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?”

“The whisky, of course,” the publican replied.

“Ah, well,” said the Rhondda man, “perhaps I’ll come to it by and by.”

See also Drinking.

WIDOWS

“If you want to be really popular with men,” says Mr. Arthur Pendenys, “become a widow.”  This of course, may be all right, but few husbands can really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort of thing.—­Punch.

Dinah’s husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharging his duties as a brakeman.  An agent of the road promptly settled her claim by the payment of a thousand dollars.  Her friends consoled her with the thought that with so much money she would be the most sought after woman in Darktown.  She stoutly maintained that she would not marry again and that she “had no plans” but finally said between her sobs “But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad man.”