UNEXPECTED

“It is the unexpected that always happens,” observed the Sage.

“Well,” commented the Fool, “if this is true, why don’t we learn to expect it?”

UNITED STATES

After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson said to Amley: 

“By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, ain’t it?”

“Yes,” said Amley, “if it gets to be much bigger I’ll have to move my desk.”

VACATIONS

Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by an off day.

A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn’t stick at very long without being dead broke and dead tired.

JUDGE—­“Six months!”

COS COB CON—­“Ah, wot a relief!  Now I kin stop worrying about where
I’m going ter spend de summer.”

VALUE

  There, little dollar, don’t you cry;
  You may buy something by and by.

A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow.  A stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer:  “What will you take for your cow?”

The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said:  “Look a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by the railroad?”

CALLER—­“It’s a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, as you are doing.”

HOST—­“Well, I don’t know.  He used to behave for ten cents, but now he demands a quarter.”

FOOTPAD—­“Your money or your life!”

MRS. TIGHTLY—­“That’s reasonable enough, Jake!  You’ve got only 50 cents.”

VANITY

Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, but she had one fault—­she was inclined to be vain.  At every available opportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-glass.  Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and took upon himself the duty of correcting it.

“Why do you always look in the glass?” he asked.

“I was just thinking how nice I looked,” answered Beryl.

“You mustn’t be so vain, child.  Remember we are all as nature made us.”

“Did nature make you, papa?”

“Yes.”

“Then,” said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in the mirror, “don’t you think nature is turning out better work than she used to?”

VEGETARIANS

“Ever bothered with tramps out your way?”

“No; I have a sign on the gate reading:  ’We are vegetarians, but our dog isn’t.’”

Ordering a copy of Tennyson’s poems, a customer wrote to an English bookseller, “Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am a vegetarian.”