Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following was her solution of the problem:  “Sam, if you find that you can’t be home for dinner, phone me at exactly six o’clock.  If the telephone rings at that hour, I’ll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner.  I won’t answer it, and you’ll get your nickel back.”

Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art.

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.

“My!  Abner, ain’t that nice?” said the girl.

“Ain’t what nice?” asked Abner.

“Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good,” replied the girl.

“It does smell kind o’ fine,” drawled the youth.  “I’ll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell.”

BUTTONS—­“Get up!  Get up!  The hotel’s afire!”

SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN—­“Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I’ll no pay for the bed.”

SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)—­“And your father is working now and getting two pounds a week?  That’s splendid!  And how much does he put away every Saturday night, my dear?”

LITTLE GIRL—­“Never less than three quarts, ma’am!”

HE—­“I am a poor man, you know.”

SHE—­“When we are married I can learn to cook, dear.”

HE—­“Hadn’t you better practise while your father is supplying the raw materials?”

See also Economy; Scotch, The.

TIDES

The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago, dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside.

This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally confided his problem to a C.P.O.

“Well, you see, it’s like this,” the oldtimer informed him, “New York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the Brooklyn side the next.”

TIME

Time’s Prisoner

I am content with Now, whate’er befall,
Whether I will or no, Today is all;
No matter whether swift or slow my tread
I find tomorrow still a day ahead;
I cannot overtake eternity—­
It turns to time and slips away from me,
And in like wise I go upon my way
Only a day ahead of yesterday!

  —­Harry Kemp.

One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approached him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn:  “Time ain’t very valuable to you, brother, that’s plain.  Here I been a-watchin’ you three hours and you ain’t had a bite.”

“Well,” drawled the fisherman, “my time’s too valuable, anyhow, to waste three hours of it watchin’ a feller fish that ain’t gettin’ a bite.”