NEPHEW (to office boy)—­“Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudeville and movies.”—­Life.

THERMOMETER

Hotel men cannot be niggardly.  They must not imitate old Cornelius Husk.  Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying the thermometer from the kitchen out into the yard.

“Watcha doin’ wi’ thet thar thermometer, boy?” he asked.

“I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside and outside,” the son answered.

“Wall, quit it,” snapped old Corn Husk, “Keepin’ the mercury runnin’ up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durn thing’ll be worn out, and long’ll go twenty-five cents for another thermometer.”

THIEVES

He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large.  He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the greengrocer bustled about serving customers.  Now he edged near the tempting basket.  Now he edged away again.  And at last the greengrocer thought it time to intervene.

“Now then, Tommy,” he exclaimed, “what are you doing?”

“Nothin’,” replied the small boy.

“Nothin’, eh?” said the greengrocer.  “Well, it looks to me as though you are trying to steal those apples.”

“You’re wrong!” retorted the nipper, “I’m trying not to.”

A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered the apartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began to work.

“Mary,” the lady said to her maid, “see that my jewel-case is locked up at once!”

The carpenter understood.  He removed his watch and chain from his vest in a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice.

“John,” said he, “take these right back to the shop.  It seems that this house isn’t safe.”—­Harper’s.

In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a clever and notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of his pockets.  As each article was removed, it was carefully examined, listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk.  Among the articles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishable as money.

At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden: 

“Would you mind letting me keep that with me?”

“Why?” asked the warden.

“Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose,” the prisoner explained.  “You know, it’s the first dollar I ever stole.”

See also Chicken stealing; Lawyers.

THRIFT

Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn.  Often he was not able to get home in time for dinner at night.  He told his wife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leave the office or not.