HAWKINS—­“Please, sir, it’s a word you use in place of another when you cannot spell the other one.”

TACT

“I must say these are fine biscuits!” exclaimed the young husband.

“How could you say those are fine biscuits?” inquired the young wife’s mother, in a private interview.

“I didn’t say they were fine.  I merely said I must say so.”

Johnny liked ice-cream, but he drew the line at turning the freezer.  One day when his mother returned home she was agreeably surprized to find him working away at the crank as tho his life depended on it.  “I don’t see how you got him to turn the freezer,” she said to her husband; “I offered him a dime to do it.”

“You didn’t go at it in the right way, my dear,” replied the husband.  “I bet him a nickel he couldn’t turn it for half an hour.”

MRS. X.—­“Bothered with time-wasting callers, are you?  Why don’t you try my plan?”

MRS. Y.—­“What is your plan?”

MRS. X.—­“Why, when the bell rings, I put on my hat and gloves before I press the button.  If it proves to be some one I don’t want to see, I simply say ‘So sorry, but I’m just going out.’”

MRS. Y.—­“But suppose it’s some one you want to see?”

MRS. X.—­“Oh, then I say, ‘So fortunate, I’ve just come in.’”

WIFE—­“But, my dear, you’ve forgotten again that today is my birthday.”

HUSBAND—­“Er—­listen, love.  I know I forgot it, but there isn’t a thing about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago.”

Little Charlotte accompanied her mother to the home of an acquaintance, where a dinner-dance was being given.  When the dessert-course was reached the little girl was brought down and given a place next to her mother at the table.

The hostess was a woman much given to talking, and, in relating some interesting incidents, quite forgot to give little Charlotte anything to eat.

After some time had elapsed, Charlotte could bear it no longer.  With the sobs rising in her throat, she held up her plate as high as she could and said: 

“Does anybody want a clean plate?”

A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler’s shop and, placing a much-battered gold watch on the counter, said, “I want this ’ere mended.”

After a careful survey the watchmaker said, “I’m afraid, sir, the cost of repairing will be double what you gave for it.”

“I don’t mind that,” said the soldier.  “Will you mend it?”

“Yes,” said the jeweler, “at the price.”

“Well,” remarked Tommy, smiling, “I gave a German a punch on the nose for it, and I’m quite ready to give you two if you’ll mend it.”

An old lady who had been introduced to a doctor who was also a professor in a university, felt somewhat puzzled as to how she would address the great man.

“Shall I call you ‘doctor’ or ’professor’?” she asked.