“But ere you drown yourself,” said he,
    “O-u-g-h is ’ock’.” 
  He taught no more, I held him fast,
    And killed him wiz a rough.

  —­Charles Battell Loomis.

“Pa, what’s phonetic spelling?”

“It’s a way of spelling that I often got whipped for when I was your age.”

“I say, Hodge, why do you always put ‘dictated’ on your letters?  You don’t keep a stenographer.”

“No; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling’s exceedingly rocky.”

“And what did my little son learn about this morning?”

“Oh, a mouse.  Miss Wilcox told us all about mouses.”

“That’s the boy!  Now, how do you spell ’mouse’?”

It was then that Arthur gave promise of being an artful dodger.  He paused meditatively for a moment, then said: 

“Father, I guess I was wrong.  It wasn’t a mouse teacher was telling us about.  It was a rat.”

What does Ghoughphteightteau spell?  Give it up?

Well, “gh” stands for “p” as in “hiccough”; “ough” stands for “o” as in “dough”; “phth” stands for “t” as in “phthisis”; “eigh” stands for “a” as in “neigh”; “tte” stands for “t” as in “gusitte,” and “eau” stands for “o” as in “beau.”  Put them together and you have “P-O-T-A-T-O.”

Easy, isn’t it?

SPINSTERS

“Helen,” said the teacher, “can you tell me what a ‘myth’ is?” “Yeth, ma’am,” lisped Helen; “it ith a woman that hath not got any huthband.”

WILLIS—­“Going to the party?”

GILLIS—­“No.  I haven’t any lady.”

WILLIS—­“Come with me.  I’ve got two extras.”

GILLIS—­“Who are they?”

WILLIS—­“Miss Oldbud and Miss Passe.”

GILLIS—­“They’re not extras.  They’re early editions.”

“I’m glad Billy had the sense to marry an old maid,” said grandma at the wedding.

“Why, grandma?” asked the son.

“Well, gals is highty-tighty, and widders is kinder overrulin’ and upsettin’.  But old maids is thankful and willin’ to please.”

CHARLES—­“Girls wish they were men.”

HERBERT—­“Why do you say that?”

“Because spinsters like to call themselves ‘bachelor girls,’ but no bachelor ever calls himself an ‘old-maid man.’”

There is nothing like a good definition, as the teacher thought when he explained the meaning of “old maid,” as a woman who had been made a long time.

STAMMERING

They were going home from school.

“Teacher said that that that that that girl used was superfluous.”

“Here’s the first pupil for my stammering school,” said the business man as he introduced himself.

STAMPS

At the post-office a little girl deposited a dime in front of the clerk and said:  “Please, I forgot the name of the stamp mama told me to get, but it’s the kind that makes a letter hurry up.”