SHE—­“Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier.  Why don’t you keep your account in a bank that has plenty of money?”

A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and asked the cashier to discount his note.  The bank cashier said: 

“Mr. Cohen, I can’t discount that note unless you get some one you know, a responsible man, to indorse it.”

Cohen said to the cashier:  “You know me, und you’re responsible; you indorse it.”

BAPTISM

“You don’t know me, do you, Bobby?” asked a lady who had recently been baptized.

“Sure I do,” piped the youth.  “You’re the lady that went in swimming with the preacher last Sunday.”

Little Edward’s twin sisters were being christened.  All went well until Edward saw the water in the font.  Then he anxiously turned to his mother and exclaimed:  “Ma, which one are you going to keep?”

Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up beautifully into the clergyman’s face.

“Well, madam,” said he to the young wife, “I must congratulate you on your little one’s behavior.  I have christened more than 2,000 babies, but I never before christened one that behaved so well as yours.”

The young mother smiled demurely, and said: 

“His father and I, with a pail of water, have been practising on him for the last ten days.”

“Tommy,” said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lesson on the baptismal covenant, “can you tell me the two things necessary to baptism?”

“Yes’m,” said Tommy, “water and a baby.”

In a small country church, not long since a little child was brought forward for baptism.  The young minister, taking the little one in his arms, spoke as follows: 

“Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child.  He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or a great labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might become the prime minister of England.”

Turning to the mother, he inquired, “What is the name of the child?”

“Mary Ann,” was the reply.

BAPTISTS

The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a preacher for the new church.

“Parson, you aren’t by any chance a Baptist, are you?”

“Why, no, not necessarily.  Why?”

“Well, I was just agoin’ to say we have to haul our water twelve miles.”

BARGAINS

A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the street:  “Why, Mary, how pale and thin you look!  I thought you were going south for your health.”

“I was,” said Mary, “but my doctor has offered me such a lovely bargain in operations—­a major operation for one thousand dollars—­and of course I can’t resist that.”