NORAH—­“Sure, mum, take wan—­I’m willin’.”

MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)—­“Matthews!  What does this mean? 
How did this policeman get here?”

COOK (equal to the occasion)—­“Dunno, mum.  ’E must ’ave bin left over by the last cook.”

“I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah.”

“I am on me own account, mum.  I only tells lies to the callers for the family.”

“A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we moved out here,” said Mr. Crosslots.

“They didn’t call to see us,” replied his wife.  “The report has gone out that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquainted with her.”

Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how to receive calling-cards.  She let herself out the front door, and when the new servant answered her ring she gave him her card.

The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith.  When they presented their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs. Smith’s card, and remarked as he closed the door: 

“Tickets no good; you can’t come in.”

MISTRESS—­“I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me.”

BRIDGET—­“Don’t worry, mum.  I’ll not go until ye have a houseful of company.”

Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson’s cook away from her so badly that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson’s house when she was away and offered the cook more money.  The next time they met at a big dinner Mrs. Johnson did not notice her.

“Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?” said the lady who sat between them.

“No, I believe not,” said Mrs. Johnson, “but I understand that she calls on my cook.”

MR. EXE—­“Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?”

MRS. EXE—­“Mercy, no!  She would leave instantly.  I told her it was just right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone.”

“Does your family have any trouble with servants?”

“No,” replied Mr. Crosslots; “I don’t believe any of them stay around the place long enough to become really troublesome.”

Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when one asked the other: 

“Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?”

“I am afraid not.”

“What!” exclaimed the other.  “And you so fond of dancing!”

“I’d love to go,” explained the conscientious maid, “but to tell you the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother.”

“A flirt, am I!” exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go.  “Well, I know them as flirts more than I do, and with less hexcuse.”  She shot a spiteful look at her mistress and added:  “I’m better looking than you.  More ’andsome.  ’Ow do I know?  Your husband told me so.”

“That will do,” said her mistress, frigidly.

“But I ain’t finished yet!” retorted Mary Ann.  “I can give a better kiss than you!  You want to know ’oo told me that, mum?”