MAMMA—­“Well, I hope you will be able to go to school Monday.  This is Saturday—­”

ROBERT (jumping out of bed)—­“Saturday!  Gee!  I thought it was Friday!”

SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT

EFFICIENCY EXPERT—­“I am very gratified to see how many new men you have taken on since I installed my system.”

“Yes, I hired ’em to take care of the system.”—­Judge.

SCOTCH, THE

An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in reminiscences of sporting occasions.

“The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race,” deposed the Englishman, “in which one of the boats that had been recently painted won by the breadth of the coat of paint.”

“The closest race I ever saw,” declared the Scotchman, “was one in which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the swelling of his nose.”

“The closest race I ever saw,” said the Irishman, “is the Scotch.”

Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one evening noticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a penny-in-the-slot machine that refused to deliver his purchase or to return the penny.  The next morning on passing the same spot they saw the poor man dead beside the slot machine.

Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing away merrily at their pipes.

“There’s no muckle pleasure in smokin’, Sandy,” said Donald.

“Hoo dae ye mak’ that oot?” questioned Sandy.

“Weel,” said Donald, “ye see, if ye’re smokin’ yer ain bacca ye’re thinkin’ o’ the awfu’ expense, an’ if ye’re smokin’ some ither body’s, yer pipe’s ramm’t sae tight it winna draw.”

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whisky.  He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not side-step quite in time.  It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly.  He got up and limped down the road.  Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

“Oh, God,” he groaned, “I hope that’s blood!”

During the fighting a Highlander had the misfortune to get his head blown off.

A comrade communicated the sad news to another gallant Scot, who asked, anxiously: 

“Where’s his head?  He was smoking ma pipe.”

A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal, stopped for a moment to examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing store, when the proprietor asked him if he would not try on a coat.

“I dinna ken but I wad,” responded the emigrant, consulting his watch; and he went in and set to work.  No matter how often he found a fit, he tried on another and another till he tried on about thirty.  Then, again looking at his watch, he resumed his own garment and walked off saying: 

“Weel, I’ve lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that’ll no’ obleege anither when he can!”