At this point an old woman of the congregation stood up.

“Sir, I have no teeth.”

“Madam,” returned the preacher sternly, “teeth will be provided.”

SAVING

SON—­“Dad, what is a savings account?”

FATHER—­“A savings account is that part of a man’s income which the government takes after permitting him to pay for the necessities of life.”

See also Economy; Thrift.

SCANDAL

“Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree looked up, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed up.”—­Life.

Believe that story false that ought not to be true.—­Sheridan.

  Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,
  Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike;
  Alike reserv’d to blame, or to commend,
  A tim’rous foe, and a suspicious friend.

  —­Pope.

The scandal of the world is what makes the offence; it is not sinful to sin in silence.—­Moliere.

SCHOLARSHIP

“What’s the matter?  You look thoughtful.”

“My six-year-old son brought home a list of questions to answer.”

“What of that?”

“My average ranks me as a deficient kid.”

“Is my son getting well grounded in the classics?” asked the millionaire.

“I would put it even stronger than that,” replied the private tutor.  “I may say that he is actually stranded on them.”

“Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you to keep as far away from him as you possibly can.”

“I do, mother.  He stays at the head of the class most of the time.”

See also College students.

SCHOOLS

A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country schoolhouse.  “This here boy’s arter larnin’,” he announced.  “What’s yer bill o’fare?”

“Our curriculum, sir,” corrected the schoolmaster, “embraces geography, arithmetic, trigonometry—­”

“That’ll do,” interrupted the father.  “That’ll do.  Load him up well with triggernometry.  He’s the only poor shot in the family.”

There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboy who is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions.

CRABSHAW—­“Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you’re so young?”

WILLIE—­“It’s this way, dad.  School is going to be a tough place for the next few years.  We’ll have a new map of Europe to study, and if we fall down on it the teacher is likely to give us the Constitution of the League of Nations to learn by heart.”

MAMMA—­“How do you feel this morning, Robert?  Are you able to sit up?”

ROBERT—­“I feel awful bad.  Don’t think I could stand on my feet.”