“And what do they boil locomotives for?”

“To make the locomotive tender,” and the young man from the office never smiled.

“What kind of a plant is the Virginia creeper?”

“It isn’t a plant; it’s a railroad.”

The president of a certain railway in Kentucky which is only ten miles long, was exchanging annual passes one year with officials of other railways.

He enclosed an annual pass on his railway to Stuyvesant Fish, then president of the Illinois Central Railway, for himself and family, with the request that Fish reciprocate.

It seems that Fish had never heard of the Kentucky road, so he instructed his secretary to look it up.  As a result the pass was returned with the following curt letter: 

DEAR SIR: 

I find that your railroad is only ten miles long, while my road is
eleven hundred miles long.  I herewith return your pass made out in
  favor of myself and family.  Yours truly,
          
                                        STUYVESANT FISH.

This was too much for the old Kentucky colonel, who made the following notation on Fish’s letter and sent it back: 

“You go to hell—­my railroad is as WIDE as yours”.

He received the Illinois Central pass by return mail.

“Conductor!” shouted a passenger on the back-country train.

“That was my station, sir!  Why didn’t you stop?”

“We don’t stop there any longer,” said the conductor.  “You see, the engineer is mad with the station agent!”

“Now will this train reach its destination on time?”

“We hope so, but we don’t guarantee it.”

“You mean you sell me a ticket to get to a certain place by a certain time and then you give me no assurance I’ll be there at that time?”

“That’s about it.”

“Well, I’ll take the ticket.  But I’ll get even!  I won’t guarantee I’ll be here when your darned old unguaranteed train is ready to start, so I won’t!”

“We are twenty minutes late,” remarked the passenger.  “Will we make it up before we reach New York?”

“No, sah; no, sah,” answered the porter.  “No, sah.  The engineer and fireman get time and a half for overtime.”

READING

See Books and reading

REAL ESTATE

“It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find Captain Kidd’s treasure.”

“Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn’t the only man who has put his money into real estate and couldn’t get it out.”

REAL ESTATE AGENTS

STEVE—­“That Smith guy of the Meadow Bottom Development Company has got the fastest car in this neck of the country.  He makes ninety miles an hour.”

HANK—­“Some car!  What’s he want of such a speed demon?”