POLITENESS

Politeness is the art of getting what you want.

MRS. SMITH—­“Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear.”

SMITH—­“No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot more people would have it.”

“Hum, ho!” sighed the New-Hampshire farmer as he came in from down-town.  “Deacon Jones wants me to be pall-bearer again to his wife’s funeral.”

“Wal, you’re goin’ to be, ain’t ye?” asked the farmer’s better half.

“I dunno.  Y’ know, when Deacon Jones’s fust wife died, he asked me to be a pall-bearer, an’ I did; and then his second wife died, an’ I was the same again.  An’ then he married thet Perkins gal, and she died, and I was pall-bearer to that funeral.  An’ now—­wal, I don’t like to be all the time acceptin’ favors without bein’ able to return ’em.”

Dickie’s father was shocked to see his son kick his little playmate.

“Why did you kick John?” he asked, severely.

“I am tired of playing with him.  I want him to go home,” was Dickie’s answer.

“Then why didn’t you ask him to go home?”

“Oh”—­it was Dickie’s turn to be shocked—­“why, daddy, that wouldn’t be polite!”

See also Etiquet.

POLITICAL PARTIES

Kane, Pa., May 21.—­During a circus parade here today one of the elephants, as if to relieve the monotony, flung its trunk in the air and brought it down with a resounding thump on a mule at the curb quietly watching the sights.

Altho hitched to a delivery-wagon the mule wheeled about, took aim, and kicked twice.  His hoofs caught the elephant squarely on the knees.  The elephant stopped for an instant, but sought no further interchanges with the mule and finished the parade with a decided limp.

When Colonel Roosevelt was making a political speech in Maine he asked if there was a Democrat in the audience.  An old long whiskered man rose in the back of the room and said, “I am a Democrat.”  Roosevelt then asked him why he was a Democrat and he said:  “I’ve always been a Democrat, my father was a Democrat and my grandfather was a Democrat.”  Roosevelt then said:  “Then if your father had been a horsethief and your grandfather had been a horsethief you would be a horsethief?” “No,” he said, “I would be a Republican.”

In an Americanization class in one of our large cities, Achilles Bonglis, a Greek, about fifty years old, was called upon to recite the oath of allegiance, and did so promptly: 

“I pledge allegiance to our flag and the Republicans for which it stands.”

MEMBROOKE—­“Backus seems to be a very popular candidate.  Is he running on the Progressive ticket?”

YISTLEY—­“No, the Retrogressive, His platform is five-cent trolleys, ten-cent bread, three-dollar shoes and 1913 rents.”

A prominent Chicago politician, when a candidate for an important municipal office, related the following story of his campaign.