EDITOR—­“Historically, this story is incorrect.”

AUTHOR—­“But hysterically it is one of the best things I have ever done.”

A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in Hannibal, Mo.  He asked the darkey who was driving him about if he knew where Huckleberry Finn lived.  “No sah, I never heard of the gemmen.”  Then he said “Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?” “No, sah, I never met the gemmen.”  “But surely you have heard of Puddin’head Wilson?” “Yes, sah, I’ve never met him, but I’ve voted for him twice.”

AUTHORSHIP

TED—­“I was tempted to read his book by the advertisements, but I was disappointed.”

NED—­“That’s only natural.  The advertisements are better written than the book.”

AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS

“Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?” said the missus, rather crossly.  “The right of way is ours, isn’t it?”

“Oh, undoubtedly!” answered he, calmly.  “As for our turning out, the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in a newspaper recently: 

  “Here lies the body of William Jay,
    Who died maintaining his right of way;
  He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
    But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.”

A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was called the judge asked what the charges were against the prisoner.

“Suspicious actions, your Honor,” answered the policeman who had made the arrest.

“Suspicious actions?” queried his Honor “What was he doing that seemed suspicious?”

“Well,” replied the officer, “he was running within the speed limit, sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side of the street, so I arrested him.”

“What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?”

“Guess he’s having a pretty lively time.  He sent me a picture post-card of a hospital.”

A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the roadside, bearing in his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears.  A second car approached and stopped, whereon the tourist reached for his pocketbook and asked in an embarrassed manner, “How much?”

“One dollar,” said the newcomer, and then, after receiving payment, remarked, “This is a fine field of corn.  Wonder who it belongs to?”

AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING

“Has this car got a speedometer?” asked an old gentleman to the auctioneer, at one of the Disposal Board sales.  The auctioneer was equal to the occasion and replied:  “At thirty miles an hour it exhibits a white flag, at forty miles a red flag, and at fifty miles a gramophone begins to play, ’I’m going to be an angel, and with the angels dwell’”

“Remember, son, Garfield drove mules on a tow-path and Lincoln split rails.”