OCCUPATIONS

PAPA—­“But hasn’t your fiance got a job?”

DAUGHTER—­“Not yet, but he’s going to get one at $25,000 a year.”

PAPA—­“Indeed!  Glad to hear of it!  What is he doing?”

DAUGHTER—­“Well, he read in the paper of some man who is paid $50,000 a year by the Bankers’ Association not to forge checks, and George is going to do it for half that.”

THE COP—­“The driver of a hearse asked me just now which was the way to the cemetery, and I told him.”

THE CAPTAIN—­“Don’t do it again.  You’re being paid as a policeman, not as a funeral director.”

“What are you going to make of your son Charley?” I asked.

“Well,” replied Charley’s father, “I made a doctor of Bob, a lawyer of Ralph, and a minister of Bert; and Joe is a literary man.  I think I’ll make a laboring man of Charley.  I want one of them to have a little money.”—­Life.

The Other Fellow’s Job

I seldom quarrel with the universe;
Things could be better, could be better far. 
But, on the other hand, they could be worse—­
And so I rather leave them as they are.

But one thing though, could easily be done: 
If Bill could only make a trade with Bob
The world would be so glad—­if everyone
Could only have the other fellow’s job!

  The other fellow surely has a snap! 
    If at a desk he works, he needn’t roam,
  He needn’t wander up and down the map—­
    He knows the joy and comfort of a home.

  Or if the other fellow something sells
    Upon the road, a lucky man is he—­
  To see the country, live at good hotels,
    And have a job with some variety.

  The other fellow!—­luckiest of men!—­
    Here’s where creation surely made a slip: 
  The fellow on the road should push a pen,
    The fellow at a desk should tote a grip.

  We never shall be happy, truly glad,
    We never shall be really comforted,
  Until we trade the job we’ve always had
    And get the other fellow’s job instead.

  I see no other way to do—­unless
    We might do this:  Forget a little while
  The easy jobs that other men possess,
    Get busy with your own, and with a smile.

  For after all, they’re not so different: 
    Each has its time of laughter and of sob,
  But each the joy of service.  Be content—­
    Your job’s as good as any fellow’s job.

MISTRESS (to butler)—­“Why is it, John, every time I come home I find you sleeping?”

“Well, ma’am, it’s this way:  I don’t like to be a-doing nothing.”

LAZY MIKE—­“I have a new position with the railroad company.”

WEARY RHODES—­“What ja gona do?”

LAZY MIKE—­“You know the fellow that goes alongside the train and taps the axles to see if everything’s all right?  Well, I help him listen.”