—­Ben S. Kearns.

GIBES—­“A man’s best friend, they say, is a full pocketbook.”

DIBBS—­“An empty one is his most constant friend, because while others may grow cold, he will find no change in his purse.”

“I gave that beggar a penny, and he didn’t thank me.”

“No.  You can’t get anything for a penny now.”

TODAY—­“What do we care for prices?  We’ve got the money!”

TOMORROW—­“What do we care for prices?  We haven’t any money!”

“You know,” Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared impressively, “it’s getting so that it is positively dangerous for a man to carry around a good-sized roll of money.”

“Difficult, rather than dangerous, I find,” Diggs sighed.

“’S funny.”

“Shoot!”

“Bills are rectangular, and yet they come rolling in!”

The Old Silver Dollar

How dear to my heart is the mem’ry that lingers
Of the days that, alas! we shall never see more,
When clutching a large silver coin in my fingers,
I hurried along to the grocery store,

And there purchased flour and bacon and coffee. 
And prunes in a package, and apricots canned,
Two gallons of coal-oil, a half pound of toffee,
And still held some change, when I left, in my hand.

The big iron dollar
The good, honest dollar,
The hundred-cent dollar
I clutched in my hand.

But now, though accustomed to buying far closer,
Whenever in markets or stores I appear
To lay in provisions, the butcher or grocer
Will glance at my dollar and quietly sneer.

At the tail of a line of more affluent buyers
Awaiting my turn I must patiently stand,
For no one, as far as I gather, desires
The pitiful dollar I hold in my hand.

The poor little dollar,
The cheap, little dollar,
The fifty-cent dollar,
I hold in my hand!

“The amount of money a fellow’s father has doesn’t seem to cut much figure here.”

“No, it’s the amount of the father’s money the son has.”

“They say money talks.”

“Well?”

“I wonder how that idea originated?”

“Have you never noticed the lady on the dollar?”

A medical paper advances the theory that “man is slightly taller in the morning than he is in the evening.”  We have never tested this, but we have certainly noticed a tendency to become “short” toward the end of the month.

See also Domestic finance.

MONEY LENDER

A teacher of English in one of our colleges describes a money-lender as follows: 

“He serves you in the present tense, lends in the conditional mood, keeps you in the subjective, and ruins you in the future.”

MORAL EDUCATION