“And what is a farmer?”

“A man who raises a lot of things.”

“Well, what is a middleman, Pop?”

“Why, he’s a fellow who raises everything, my son.”

MILITARISM

VILLAGE PACIFIST (as the Salvation Army passes)—­“Oh, it’s all right.  I ain’t sayin’ ‘taint.  But it’s fosterin’ th’ martial speerit jes’ th’ same.”—­Judge.

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

A colored gentleman was walking post for the first time in his life.  A dark form approached him.

“Halt!” he cried in a threatening tone.  “Who are you?”

“The officer of the day.”

“Advance!”

The O.D. advanced, but before he had proceeded half a dozen steps the dusky sentinel again cried, “Halt!”

“This is the second time you have halted me,” observed the O.D.  “What are you going to do next?”

“Never you mind what Ah’s gonna do.  Mah orders are to call ‘Halt!’ three times, den shoot.”

At twelve the other night one of our aviators who had liberty until ten-thirty was “hot-footin’” it back from a hop harbor in a neighboring ville.  He passed the tracks, the “Y,” and then started on the double past the sentry at the gate.

“Halt!” commanded the sentry.

“Halt nothin’,” yelled the gob; “I’m two hours late now.”

The railings of a big transport on its way to France were lined with very new soldiers when a massive gob hurried by, bent upon some urgent duty.

“Gangway!  Gangway!” he shouted as he passed along the deck.

“Gee, that guy’ll catch hell when they find him,” murmured one of the recruits.  “They been hollerin’ for him all mornin.’”

“Hollerin’ for who?”

“Why, that guy Gangway.”

FRIEND—­“How’s your boy getting on in the army, Mr. Johnson?”

JOHNSON—­“Wonderful!  I feel a sense of great security.  An army that can make my boy get up early, work hard all day, and go to bed early can do anything!”

He was a very young officer, who looked as if he should be wearing knee breeches.

One day when his company was up for inspection at the training camp, one of the men remarked in a tone of deep sarcasm.  “And a little child shall lead them.”

“The man who said that, step forward,” was the immediate command.  The entire company stepped out and repeated the quotation.

The lieutenant looked up and down the line.  “Dismissed,” he announced shortly.

The men thought they had gotten the better of him, but not for long, for that night at retreat when the orders for the following day were read they heard:  “There will be a twenty-five-mile hike tomorrow with full equipment, and a little child shall lead them—­on a damned good horse.”

HE—­“Have the car ready at the Admiralty at 4:30.”

CHAUFFEUSE—­“Very well.”