He took out a pencil and wrote on his program: 

“That’s my wife on the other side of me.  Safety first.”

Man puts up with marriage in order to get a certain girl—­a girl puts up with a certain man in order to get married.

In the old days man used to marry woman for a dot—­now he marries her for a period.

Marriage may be likened to a subscription to a favorite magazine—­it is something that should be renewed each year if it is not to expire.

A married woman said to her husband:  “You have never taken me to the cemetery.”

“No, dear,” replied he; “that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.”

A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing glimpses of a soiled pink silk shirt, with a rubber collar, approached and in confiding tones asked for a book for a “widow past 50 who is thinking of getting married.”  The assistant proceeded to inquire as to what kind of a story he thought she might like.  “Oh,” he said, “what I want is a story that will kind o’ cheer her up.”

See also Domestic finance; Husbands; Leap year.

MASCOTS

“Does a rabbit’s foot really bring good luck?”

“I should say so.  My wife felt one in my money pocket once and thought it was a mouse.”

MATHEMATICS

See Arithmetic.

MATRIMONY

See Marriage.

MEASURING INSTRUMENTS

A two-foot rule was given to a laborer in a Clyde boat-yard to measure an iron plate.  The laborer not being well up in the use of the rule, after spending considerable time, returned.

“Now, Mick,” asked the plater, “what size is the plate?”

“Well,” replied Mick, with a grin of satisfaction, “it’s the length of your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of brick and the breadth of my hand and my arm from here to there, bar a finger.”—­Everybody’s.

MEDALS

A well-known admiral—­a stickler for uniform—­stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down.  Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked:  “Did you get that medal for eating, my man?”

On the man replying “No, sir,” the admiral rapped out:  “Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?”

MEDICAL ETHICS

Not so very long ago a certain attorney was quite ill.  A doctor was summoned, but directly he arrived and got one look at his patient he said, “Sorry, but you’ll have to call another doctor.”

“Am I as sick as all that?” gasped the attorney.

“No, but you’re the lawyer that cross-examined me when I was called to give expert testimony in a certain case.  Now my conscience won’t permit me to kill you, but I’m darned if I care to cure you.  Good day.”