“Now,” he said, “you are the very persons I want to talk to—­there isn’t any seventeenth chapter of Mark.”

A Sunday school teacher asked a small girl the other day why Ananias was so severely punished.  The little one thought a minute, then answered:  “Please, teacher, they weren’t so used to lying in those days.”

“Does your husband ever lie to you?”

“Never.”

“How do you know?”

“He tells me that I do not look a day older than I did when he married me, and if he doesn’t lie about that, I don’t think he would about less important matters.”

“Do you really mean to call me a liar?” asked one rival railroad man of another railroad man, during a dispute on business they had on Austin Avenue yesterday.

“No, Colonel, I don’t mean to call you a liar.  On the contrary, I say you are the only man in town who tells the truth all the time, but I’m offering a reward of $25 and a chromo to any other man who will say he believes me when I say you never lie,” was the response.

“Well, I’m glad you took it back,” replied the other party, as they shook.—­A.  E. Sweet.

See also Husband; Real estate agents; Regrets.

LIBERTY BONDS

“We accept Liberty Bonds at their full value for all goods.”

Thus reads a placard in the window of a wholesale liquor house.  We have often wondered what the height of damphoolishness might be, having tried various things, but there it is:  Exchanging a Liberty Bond for booze.

LIBRARIANS

The Reference Librarian

At times behind a desk he sits,
At times about the room he flits—­
Folks interrupt his perfect ease
By asking questions such as these: 
“How tall was prehistoric man?”
“How old, I pray, was Sister Ann?”

“Perhaps,” commented her husband’s bookish friend, “you should be thankful you did not find him with his nose in ’The Inside of the Cup!’”

  “What should one do if cats have fits?”
  “What woman first invented mitts?”
  “Who said ‘To labor is to pray?’”
  “How much did Daniel Lambert weigh?”
  “Don’t you admire E. P. Roe?”
  “What is the fare to Kokomo?”
  “Have you a life of Sairy Gamp?”
  “Can you lend me a postage-stamp?”
  “Have you the rimes of Edward Lear?”
  “What wages do they give you here?”
  “What dictionary is the best?”
  “Did Brummell wear a satin vest?”
  “How do you spell ‘anemic,’ please?”
  “What is a Gorgonzola cheese?”
  “Who ferried souls across the Styx?”
  “What is the square of 96?”
  “Are oysters good to eat in March?”
  “Are green bananas full of starch?”
  “Where is that book I used to see?”
  “I guess you don’t remember me?”
  “Haf you Der Hohenzollernspiel?”
  “Where shall I put this apple peel?”