“Why do you feed every tramp who comes along?  They never do any work for you.”

“No,” said his wife, “but it is quite a satisfaction to me to see a man eat a meal without finding fault with the cooking.”

The husband arrived home much later than usual “from the office.”  He took off his boots and stole into the bedroom.  His wife began to stir.  Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his first-born and began to rock it vigorously.

“What are you doing there, Robert?” queried his wife.

“I’ve been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get this baby to sleep,” he growled.

“Why, Robert, I’ve got him here in bed with me,” replied his wife.

A teacher was trying to explain the dangers of overwork to one of the smaller pupils.

“Now, Tommy,” she pursued, “if your father were busy all day and said he would have to go back to the office at night, what would he be doing?”

“That’s what ma wants to know.”

HE—­“If I were to die you’d never get another husband like me.”

SHE—­“What makes you imagine I should ever want another like you?”

MRS. BLANK (to laundress)—­“And how is your newly married daughter getting on, Mrs. Brown?”

MRS. BROWN—­“Oh, nicely, thank you, ma’am.  She finds her husband a bit dull; but then, as I tells her, the good ones are dull.”

JUNKMAN—­“Any rags, paper, old iron to sell?”

HEAD OF HOUSE (irately)—­“No—­go away—­my wife’s away for the summer.”

JUNKMAN (smiling)—­“Any empty bottles?”

Situation:  Buglar, caught red-handed, arraigned in court

WOMAN—­“The sorce o’ the feller!  ’E pretended to be my ’usband and called out, ‘It’s all right, darlin’—­it’s only me.’  It was the word ‘darlin’ wot give ’im away.”—­Punch (London).

“Henry,” said his father-in-law, as he called his daughter’s spouse into the library and locked the door, “you have lived with me now for over two years.”

“Yes, father.”

“In all that time I haven’t asked you a penny for board.”

“No, sir.” (Wonderingly.)

“In all your little family quarrels I have always taken your part.”

“Always, sir.”

“I have even paid some of your bills.”

“A good many, father.”

“Then the small favor I am about to ask you will no doubt be granted?”

“Most certainly, sir.”

“Thanks.  Then I want you to tell your mother-in-law that those tickets for the supper-club dance which she picked up in my room this morning must have accidentally fallen out of your pocket, and we’ll call it square!”

One morning, Mollie, the colored maid, appeared before her mistress, carrying, folded in a handkerchief, a five-dollar gold piece and all her earthly possessions in the way of jewelry.

This package she proferred her mistress, with the request that Miss Sallie take it for safe keeping.