“Sir,” said the disgruntled guest, “I presume it will be better for me to keep my views to myself.”

“We will do our best, Mr. Sprawl, to make you feel at home here,” smiled the hotel clerk, who had acquired the idea that it pays to be good and kind to all.

“You needn’t to mind, sir,” replied Sanford Sprawl, of Puxico.  “That’s just what I came away from home to get a change from.  What I want is to feel like I’m at a hotel.”

HOUSING PROBLEM

After trying in vain for months to get a house, Brown set out one day with a find-a-house-or-die look on his face.  He wandered about all day without being successful, till at last his steps led him to the river.

“Ah!” he said in utter despair, “how tempting it looks!” He was almost inclined to plunge in and end it all.

All of a sudden he heard a splash and, looking around, he saw his friend Green struggling in the water.  Without attempting to save him he rushed off to the local house agent.

“Quick!” he gasped.  “Green has fallen in the river.  Can I have his house?”

“Sorry,” said the house agent.  “I’ve already let it to the man who pushed him in.”

The difficulty of finding a house is not exclusively an eastern problem.  Out in Kansas, for instance, a native observed a stranger looking around and ventured to say, “Good morning, sir, House hunting?”

“Yes,” replied the stranger.  “I wonder if it could have blown this far.”

JUDGE—­“You are accused of speeding.  What have you to say in your defense?”

PRISONER—­“I heard of a house for rent and was trying to get there first.”

“The case is dismissed.”

The taxi-driver turned at the end of the second hour and eyed his client suspiciously.

“Are you taking me by the hour or by the day?” he asked.

“By the year,” responded the haggard passenger.  “I’m looking for a home!”

VISITOR—­“What’s that new building on the hill yonder?”

FARMER—­“Well, if I find a tenant for it, it’s a bungalow; if I don’t, it’s a barn.”

OWENS—­“My landlord has ordered me out because I can’t pay my rent.”

BOWENS—­“Glad I met you.  So has mine.  Let’s change quarters.”

MR. MCNAB (after having his lease read over to him)—­“I will not sign that:  I havena’ been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an’ I’m no’ guan tae tackle aboot a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street!”

See also Apartments.

HUNGER

OLD LADY (to mendicant)—­“But—­my good man, your story has such a hollow ring.”

“Yes, missis—­that’s the natural result of speaking with an empty stummick.”

Hunger is the teacher of the arts and the bestower of invention.—­Persius.

HUNTING