“Why did your wife leave you?”

“Force of habit, I guess.  She was a cook before I married her.”

BRIGGS—­“You mustn’t take offense if I speak to you about something I have had on my mind for some time, just a little habit of yours.”

GRIGGS—­“Certainly not.”

BRIGGS—­“Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you before.  And you are such a splendid, noble fellow.”

GRIGGS—­“Yes, yes.”

BRIGGS—­“You’re one of those fellows who never really know what is being said to them; you’re always pursuing some train of thought.  Anyone can tell half the time you are not listening by the far-away look in your eyes.  You’ve offended a lot of people.  Of course, it’s terribly rude—­only you don’t know it.  You mustn’t any more, old chap (putting his hands on Grigg’s shoulder).  Promise me you’ll quit.”

GRIGGS (obliged to face him)—­“Just what were you saying?”

“That cashier is a cool chap.”

“How so?”

“A thug with a revolver ordered him to hand out the bank’s cash yesterday, but he said he couldn’t do it unless the thug was identified.  This took the fellow so aback, he hesitated a moment and was nabbed.”

Some time ago, when a local corps was reviewed by Sir Ian Hamilton, one officer was mounted on a horse that had previously distinguished itself in a bakery business.  Somebody recognized the horse, and shouted, “Baker!” The horse promptly stopped dead, and nothing could urge it on.

The situation was getting painful when the officer was struck with a brilliant idea, and remarked, “Not today, thank you.”  The procession then moved on.

“This makes the fourth time I have had to punish you this week, Sylvester,” chided the teacher.  “Do you wonder why?”

“Nope!” replied Skinny Smith.  “You’ve got the habit, that’s all.”

HADES

See Future life.

HAPPINESS

“Happiness is merely a state of mind,” quoted the Parlor Philosopher.

“If you mean happiness is imaginary I quite agree with you,” replied the Mere Man.  “Just watch a fellow enjoying his fifty-cent cigar, when he knows very well it’s really the old five-center he used to scorn.”

  Keep happy when the weather’s fair,
    Hum with the cheerful throng;
  Be glad that God has let you share
    The joys of sun and song. 
  Keep happy when the weather’s wet
    The sun may hide to-day;
  But back of the clouds, I’ll bet,
    He’s smiling, anyway!

—­Luke McLuke.

            All who joy would win
    Must share it—­Happiness was born a twin.

—­Byron.