“Well, my wife’s bridge club is in session.  If those ladies get hold of that idle rumor, they’ll soon put it to work.”

A gossip is one who can make a mountain out of a molehill and then bring it to you.

Conversation being dull at an evening party, the hostess requested one of her guests to go home, that the rest might have somebody to talk about.

GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP

They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Canon.

“Do you know,” asked the guide, “that it took millions and millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?”

“Well, well!” ejaculated the traveler.  “I never knew this was a government job.”

“I presume you’re mighty glad the war is over.”

“Well, I don’ jes’ know about dat,” answered Mandy.  “Cose I’se glad to have my Sam back home an’ all dat, but I jes’ know I ain’t never gwine t’get money from him so regular as I did while he wuz in de Army an’ de Government wuz handlin’ his financial affairs.”

“So you approve of the Government’s action in taking over the railroads.”

“Yep,” replied Mr. Growcher.  “I approve of that and prohibition for several reasons, one of them being that now a lot of people can quit lecturing on the subject and go to work.”

NULLERFORD—­“Do you know anybody who favors government control of the railroads?”

FONDERHAM—­“I know one man.  He lives fifty miles from the nearest rail; never does any traveling or shipping; has a son who’s a conductor, a nephew who’s a brakeman, a daughter who works in a railroad office, and two grandsons who are going to be firemen.”

GRATITUDE

At least one Washington debutante has candor and humor in large and equal parts.  Thus, her denial of a rumor that she was engaged: 

“There is not a word of truth in it, but thank God for the report!”

“You did me a favor ten years ago,” said the stranger, “and I have never forgotten it.”

“Ah,” replied the good man with a grateful expression on his face, “and you have come back to repay me?”

“Not exactly,” replied the stranger.  “I’ve just got into town and need another favor, and I thought of you right away.”

“Thankful?  What have I to be thankful for?  I can’t pay my bills.”

“Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your creditors.”

GUARANTEES

“Say,” said the man as he entered the clothing-store.  “I bought this suit here less than two weeks ago, and it is rusty-looking already.”

“Well,” replied the clothing-dealer, “I guaranteed it to wear like iron, didn’t I?”

HABIT

Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery store.