—­George Matthew Adams.

“Mamma,” said the Young Thing, “I want you to stop forcing me into Mr. Gottit’s company all the time.  People are talking.”

“But, my dear,” protested the Solicitous Lady, “he is a wonderful catch!”

“He may be, Mamma, but if you keep on thinking you are pitcher, he’ll get onto your curves and throw the game.”

EDITH—­“I think Jack is horrid.  I asked him if he had to choose between me and a million which he would take, and he said the million.”

MARIE—­“That’s all right.  He knew if he had the million you’d be easy,”

FOUNTAIN PENS

“Why do they call ’em fountain pens?  I should say reservoir pen would be the better name.  A reservoir contains liquids; a fountain throws ’em around.”

“I think fountain pen is the proper name,” said the party of the second part.

FRANKLIN

Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction.  When they had ceased, a little child, who understood French, said to him, “But, grand-papa, you always applauded the loudest when they were praising you!” Franklin laughed heartily and explained the matter.

FREAKS

  ’Tis well to seek to be unique,
  But being too odd makes a freak.

FREE VERSE

YOUNG THING—­“I wonder why they call it free verse?”

THE POET—­“That’s simple.  Did you ever try to sell any?”

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of freedom of speech:  “The liberty to say what you think without thinking what you say.”

“I believe in free speech!” exclaimed the vociferous man.

“So do I,” rejoined Uncle Bill Bottletop; “so do I. But in one respect free speech reminds me of the free lunch in the old days.  You hate to see a man making a pig of himself just because something’s free.”

Words can be just as dangerous as acts.  There is a common notion that the right of free speech implies the right to say anything we please and relieves a man of all responsibility for his words.  Every man should recognize that hard words are just as dangerous as brickbats, and if he gets to throwing them around promiscuously he is liable for the damage he does.  Almost any opinion we have could be stated in terms that would not cause offense.  Hard words are caused by our consciousness of the weakness of our position.  They are symptoms of impotence.  They arise from the feeling that a single statement of our case is not sufficient, and that the only way to make an impression is by insult or abuse.  A man who is satisfied with the justice of his position is content to state it in simple and inoffensive terms.—­Dr. Frank Crane.