PHYSICIAN—­“Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as it is merely an indication of advancing years.”

MR. MEEK—­“Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?”

“Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?”

“No, dear, I don’t believe so.  What makes you ask?”

“Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr. Jones raised his ante.”

AGRICULTURE

“Crop failures?” asked the old timer.

“Yes, I’ve seen a few in my day.  In 1854 the corn crop was almost nothing.  We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acres of corn at one meal!”—­Life.

See also Farming; Laws.

ALARM CLOCKS

  To-day I bought an alarm-clock,
    It has a very loud ring. 
  I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner,
    For every time I hear it I have to get up.

A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above everything else.  The farmer told him that he must be at work every morning at 4 o’clock sharp.  The “hand” failed to get up in time, and the farmer threatened to discharge him.  Then the “hand” bought an alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly.  But one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late.  The farmer immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his alarm-clock was to blame.

Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to find out the cause of his downfall.  He took the alarm-clock to pieces, and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.

“Well,” he soliloquized, “Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn’t run—­the engineer bane daid.”

“I heard something this morning that opened my eyes.”

“So did I—­an alarm clock.”

“Have you any alarm-clocks?” inquired the customer.  “What I want is one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family.”

“I don’t know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam,” said the man behind the counter; “we keep just the ordinary kind—­the kind that will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl.”

See also Philadelphia; Tardiness.

ALIBI

TEACHER—­“What is an alibi?”

BRIGHT Boy—­“Being somewhere where you ain’t.”

ALIMONY

Or Go to Jail

“Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?” asked the Friend who was seeking free advice.

“Sure,” replied the Lawyer.  “He can stay single or stay married.”

ALPHABET

MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)—­“Now, dearie, what comes after ’g’?”

THE CHILD—­“Whiz!”—­Judge.