Those reform preachers who designed the moral gown for women did a good job.  Now to design a woman who will wear it.

FAIR CUSTOMER (to salesman displaying modern bathing suit)—­“And you’re sure this bathing suit won’t shrink?”

SALESMAN—­“No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to.”

POLICEMAN—­“Lost yer mammy, ’ave yer?  Why didn’t yer keep hold of her skirt?”

LITTLE ALFRED—­“I cou—­cou—­couldn’t reach it.”

When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed that “they began too late and ended too soon.”

FAIR CUSTOMER—­“I’d like to try on that one over there.”

SALESMAN—­“I’m sorry, madam, but that is the lampshade.”

The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of the stairs was slow in descending.  “Come on down, lady,” said the conductor in a bored tone, “legs ain’t no treat to me.”

FATE

  All human things are subject to decay,
  And when fate summons, monarchs must obey.

  —­Dryden.

  All are architects of Fate,
    Working in these walls of Time: 
  Some with massive deeds and great,
    Some with ornaments of rhyme.

  —­Longfellow.

  Fate holds the strings, and Men like Children, move
  But as they’re led:  Success is from above.

  —­Lord Lansdowne.

  One ship drives east, and another west
  With the self-same winds that blow;
    ’Tis the set of the sails
    And not the gales
  Which decide the way to go.

  Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate
  As we voyage along through life;
    ’Tis the will of the soul
    That decides its goal,
  And not the calm or the strife.

FATHERS

“Dad,” said a Bartlesville, Okla., kid to his father the other night, “I want to go to the show tonight.”

“A show at night is no place for a kid like you.  You should be at home in bed.”

“But I peddled bills and have two tickets,” said the kid, as he began to sniffle.

“All right then,” answered dad.  “I will go with you to see that you don’t get into trouble.”

Johnnie Jones was doing penance in the corner.  Presently he thought aloud pensively: 

“I can’t help it if I am not perfect,” he sighed.  “I have only heard of one perfect boy in my whole life.”

“Who was that?” his father asked, thinking to point out a moral.

“You,” came the reply, plaintively, “when you were little.”

His Example

There are little eyes upon you, and they’re watching night and day;
There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say;
There are little hands all eager to do everything you do,
And a little boy that’s dreaming of the day he’ll be like you.