“Nobody dead, nobody ill; still going strong, having a good time, and got plenty of money.  Please grant extension.”

And he got it!

FIRST OFFICER—­“Did you get that fellow’s number?”

SECOND OFFICER—­“No; he was going too fast.”

FIRST OFFICER—­“Say, that was a fine-looking dame in the car.”

SECOND OFFICER—­“Wasn’t she?”—­Puck.

TED—­“Pity the rain spoiled the game today.”

NED—­“But you got a check didn’t you?”

TED—­“Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best excuse I ever had in my life.”—­Judge.

Johnny B——­, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long ago developed a fondness for playing hooky from school.  After two or three offenses of this kind he was taken to task by his teacher.

“Johnny,” she said, “the next time you are absent I want you to bring me an excuse from your father telling me why you were not here.”

“I don’t want to bring an excuse from my father,” protested the boy.

“Why not?” asked the teacher, her suspicion plain.

“’Cause father isn’t any good at making excuses.”

In his Savannah camp Bill Donovan, baseball manager, had a dusky-hued waiter at the hotel by the name of Sutton.  Bill had to reproach Sutton more than once for a lack of agility in arriving with the food.  Sutton promised to improve.  One morning he brought in a consignment of griddle-cakes that had gone cold.

“What do you mean,” said Bill, “by bringing me in cold cakes?”

“Well, I’ll tell you, boss,” said Sutton.  “I brung them cakes in so fast that I guess they hit a draft.”

A country school-master had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe.  One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it.

“You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?”

“Please, sir,” said the favorite, “I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steam-boat-bell.”

“Very well,” said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite.  “And now, sir,” turning to the other, “What have you to say?”

“Please, sir,” said the puzzled boy, “I—­I—­was waiting to see Tom off!”

“Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and a roll,” said the first “commercial.”

“Bring me the same,” said his friend, “but eliminate the eggs.”

“Yessir.”

In a moment the waiter came back, leaned confidentially and penitently over the table, and whispered: 

“We ‘ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin’, sir, and the ’andle of the ’liminator got busted off.  Will you take yer heggs fried, same as this ’ere gentleman?”

EXECUTIVE ABILITY

Executive ability has been variously defined, but the following from an executive with a sense of humor seems to cover the whole subject.  He said:  “Executive ability is the ability to hire someone to do work for which you will get the credit, and, if there is a slip-up, having someone at whose door to lay the blame.”