“I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about an hour,” Mr. Holmes said.  “Finally, after we had gone into every detail of the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theater was a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not put up the sign.  I asked him why?”

“Because it would attract too much attention to the theater,” the janitor replied.

“What’s your time?” asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman.  “Twenty minutes after five.  What can I do for you?” “I want them pants,” said the old farmer, leading the way to the window and pointing to a ticket marked, “Given away at 5.20.”

See also Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship.

ADVICE

The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn’t let you know what advice he wants.

Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody’s looking is advice.

It is a good divine that follows his own instructions:  I can easier teach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to follow mine own teaching.—­Shakespeare.

Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world.  Those who might profit by it don’t need it, and those who do need it won’t profit by it—­if they could, they wouldn’t need it.

  How often have my kindly friends,
    (When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow),
  Recalling random odds and ends
    Of counsel, cried:  “I told you so!”

  But when ’twas I who warned, and they
    Who heeded not, and came to woe,
  I wonder why they’d never say: 
    “That’s right, old chap, you told me so!”

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

Recipe for an After-dinner Speech

Three long breaths. 
Compliment to the audience. 
Funny Story. 
Outline of what speaker is not going to say. 
Points that he will touch on later. 
Two Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations. 
Outline of what speaker is going to say. 
Points that he has not time to touch on now. 
Reference to what he said first. 
Funny Story. 
Compliment to the audience. 
Ditto to our City, State and Country. 
Applause.

N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence three times in slightly different words.—­Mary Eleanor Roberts.

“You wrote this report of last night’s banquet, did you?” asked the editor with the copy in his hand.

“Yes, sir,” replied the reporter.

“And this expression, ’The banquet-table groaned’—­do you think that is proper?”

“Oh, yes, sir.  The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would make any table groan.”

See also Politicians; Public speakers.

AGE