Grace’s uncle met her on the street one spring day and asked her whether she was going out with a picnic party from her school.

“No,” replied his eight-year-old niece, “I ain’t going.”

“My dear,” said the uncle, “you must not say, ‘I ain’t going.’  You must say, ‘I am not going.’” And he proceeded to give her a little lesson in grammar:  “’You are not going.  He is not going.  We are not going.  You are not going.  They are not going.’  Now, can you say all that?”

“Sure I can,” responded Grace quite heartily.  “There ain’t nobody going.”—­Harper’s.

“What is the plural of man, Willie?” asked the teacher of a small pupil.

“Men,” answered Willie.

“And, the plural of child?”

“Twins,” was the unexpected reply.

A colored woman one day visited the court-house in a Tennessee town and said to the judge: 

“Is you-all the reperbate judge?”

“I am the judge of probate, mammy.”

“I’se come to you-all ’cause I’se in trubble.  Mah man—­he’s done died detested and I’se got t’ree little infidels so I’se cum to be appointed der execootioner.”

ENGLISHMEN

At a dinner in New York an Englishman heard for the first time and, probably after due explanation, was much amused by that “toasted” chestnut: 

“Here’s to the happiest hours of my life,

“Spent in the arms of another man’s wife: 

“My mother.”

Shortly after his return to England he was present at a banquet, and thought he would get off the New York toast he had considered so clever.  At the proper time he rose and said: 

“Here’s to the happiest hours of my life,

“Spent in the arms of another man’s wife: 

“Spent in the arms of another man’s wife—­

“Another man’s wife.  Excuse me, I really cawn’t recall the lady’s name, but it doesn’t matter.”

ENTHUSIASM

A Soldier of color, recently “over there,” had proposed to, and been accepted by his dusky sweetheart.  During the marriage ceremony he showed such signs of nervousness that the minister, noticing it, whispered to him, in a voice which could have been heard half a mile: 

“What’s de mattah wif you Rastus, is yo dun los’ yo’ ring or sumpin?”

“N-no sah, Mr. Preacher,” answered the ex-hero, “but I sho nuff dun los’ mah ’thusiasm.”

If a man lacks enthusiasm it takes him twice as long to accomplish a task.

A man who allows himself to be carried away with enthusiasm often has to walk back.

EPIGRAMS

An epigram is a twinkle in the eye of Truth.

Many a woman is blamed for making a fool of a man when he is really self-made.

Some men are like rusty needles; the best way to clean and brighten them is with work.