“Didn’t you get my letter?”

“Yis, sur, Oi did,” said Pat.

“Did you read it?”

“Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside,” said Pat, “and on the inside yez said I was fired and on the outside yez said:  ‘Return to Baldwin Locomotive Works in five days.’”

“Well, George,” said the president of the company to old George, “how goes it?”

“Fair to middlin’, sir,” George answered.  And he continued to currycomb a bay horse.

“Me an’ this here boss,” George said, suddenly, “has worked for your firm sixteen year.”

“Well, well,” said the president, thinking a little guiltily of George’s salary.  “And I suppose you are both pretty highly valued, George, eh?”

“H’m,” said George, “the both of us was took sick last week, and they got a doctor for the hoss, but they just docked my pay.”

A plumber and a painter were working in the same house.  The painter arrived late and the plumber said to him, “You’re late this morning.”

“Yes,” said the painter, “I had to stop and have my hair cut.”

“You didn’t do it on your employer’s time, did you?” said the plumber.

“Sure, I did,” said the painter; “It grew on his time.”

POSSIBLE EMPLOYER—­“H’m! so you want a job, eh?  Do you ever tell lies?”

APPLICANT—­“No, sir, but I kin learn.”

A man named Dodgin was recently appointed foreman at the gas works, but his name was not known to all the employees.  One day while on his rounds he came across two men sitting in a corner, smoking, and stopped near them.

“Who are you?” said one of the men.

“I’m Dodgin, the new foreman,” he replied.

“So are we,” replied the other workers, “sit down and have a smoke.”

ENEMIES

Speak well of your enemies.  Remember you made them.

  The fine and noble way to kill a foe
    Is not to kill him; you with kindness may
  So change him, that he shall cease to be so;
    Then he’s slain.

  —­Aleyn.

ENGLISH LANGUAGE

By way of enlarging the children’s vocabulary, our village school-teacher is in the habit of giving them a certain word and asking them to form a sentence in which that word occurs.  The other day she gave the class the word “notwithstanding.”  There was a pause, and then a bright-faced youngster held up his hand.

“Well, what is your sentence, Tommy?” asked the teacher.

“Father wore his trousers out, but notwithstanding.”

TILDA—­“Pass the ’lasses.”

LIZZIE (who has attended school)—­“Don’t say ‘’lasses.’  Say molasses.”

TILDA—­“How come I say mo’ ’lasses when I ain’t had none yet?”

Jailless Crimes

Killing time. 
Hanging pictures. 
Stealing bases. 
Shooting the chutes. 
Choking off a speaker. 
Running over a new song. 
Smothering a laugh. 
Setting fire to a heart. 
Knifing a performance. 
Murdering the English language.—­Judge.