“When suddenly close on my starboard beam,
    With scarcely a foot between
  (I can see it now like an ’ijjus dream),
  Rearin’ its ’ead like a pisonous snake
  Was a periscope, an’ I saw the wake
    Of a big ’Un submarine.

  “An’ I knew the ship wos an easy mark,
    Like shootin’ a sittin’ ’en,
  For the sky wos bright an’ ’er ’ull wos dark
  With the ’ole of ‘er broadside showin’ clear—­
  Couldn’t ‘ave missed, she was layin’ so near,
    If ’e ’d got ’er bearin’s then.

  “I saw ’is cruel little eye
    A-swivellin’ stem to starn;
  ‘Now, Wells,’ I ses, ‘you must do or die,’
  So I crammed my cap a-top o’ the slit
  And lashed it fast in place with a bit,
  Wot I’d pinched, of the bo’sun’s yarn.

  “‘E wos blinded, of course, an’ ’e sank like a stone,
    Which wos all that the blighter could do,
  An’ I ’urried to speak to the skipper alone;
  I found ‘im pacin’ the quarter-deck,
  An’ I told ‘im the truth in every respec’
    The same as I’m tellin’ you.

  “Well, ‘e looked me up an’ ’e looked me down
    Till I felt my cheeks go warm,
  For I knowed there wos somethin’ adrift by ’is frown;
  Then ’e closed ’is jaw with a wicious snap;
  ‘Where,’ ses ’e, ‘is your perishin’ cap? 
    Do you call that uniform?.’

  “An’ so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea,
    Which is wot she ’as always bin,
  You may do your dooty as well as me,
  But you won’t ’ave no credit at all for the same
  Unless you give ’eed to the rules of the game,
    Which is Service Discipline.”

* * * * *

Our POLYGAMISTS.

“The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids.”—­Provincial Paper.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.

POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR
EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.]

* * * * *

DOCKING THE DRAMA.

It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for restricting the consumption of artificial illuminant, the authorities propose drastically to curtail the duration of theatrical entertainments.  Should this prove to be the case, we venture to anticipate certain further regulations that may shortly be added to those already printed upon the programmes:—­

(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the two-and-a-half hours’ traffic of the stage to one hour-and-a-half.  With this purpose it is enacted that—­

(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the commencement of the action will be permitted in the dialogue.  All such particulars as may be essential to an understanding of the plot must be legibly printed upon the programmes.

(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in quitting the stage.  Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden (provided always that nothing in this section shall apply to the case of an actor-manager when surrendering heroine to youthful rival).