***

Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE’S last week for pearls.  It is thought that official action will have to be taken to combat the belief, widely held in munition-making circles, that pearls dissolved in champagne are beneficial to the complexion.

***

“When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals,” writes a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault.  We appreciate this generous attempt to shield his superiors, but cling to our belief that the worst criminals are still a good way behind the German lines.

***

M. Trieu, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of Austria, has just been married.  The bride has promised to obey him.

***

It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide to declare peace on America.

***

Colonel W.F.N.  Noel, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire cheese is as good as any made in England.  He omits, however, to state whether these cheeses make good pets and are fond of children.

***

Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers’ Association, and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the paper supply Mr. Charles GARVICE has decided that in future he will not write more than two novels per week.

***

We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to accept “substitutes.”  Only the other day a man rushed into a London cafe, asked if they had any prussic acid, and, when told that they never kept it, remarked, “Very well.  Bring me a pork pie.”

***

Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia Field Force.  No request was forwarded for flies.

***

Dealing with IBSEN’S Ghosts at the Kingsway Theatre, the critic of a halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a “medley of weird psychopathy and symbolism.”  Just as if he were writing for a penny paper.

***

A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for “masquerading as a man.”  Several conscientious objectors are now getting very nervous on sighting a policeman.

***

Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the new regulations of the Board of Agriculture.  Villagers who in the past have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run over by motor cars will be hard hit.

***

Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the Slate Club Secretaries’ Sprinting Handicaps will be held this year.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “No, dear, I’m afraid we shan’t be at the Dance to-night.  Poor Herbert has got A Touch of allotment feet.”]

* * * * *

Stomach for the fight.