* * * * *

[The Editor.  You are not very spicy this week.

The Contributor.  Nor would you be if you had been confined to the house at Peckham Rye with influenza.  Better work next week.  I have an appointment to lunch with a member of the National Liberal Club and shall get right to the heart of things.]

* * * * *

Extract from Army Orders at the Front:—­

    “A C. of E. Chaplain will shortly join the Heavy Artillery. 
    Please make arrangements for him to be accommodated in the ——­
    Heavy Battery Horse Lines.”

The nearest thing that could be got, we suppose, to a Canon’s stall.

* * * * *

“As approved up to date, the bread ticket will comprise four squares, each entitling the holder to purchase two ounces of bread; or, by presenting the whole ticket, two quartern loaves of 4 lb. each.”—­Birmingham Daily Mail.

Mr. Punch, though yielding in patriotism to no one, has already decided to present the whole ticket.

* * * * *

From a letter by “Retired Diplomat” on “Maize Bread":—­

    “To obtain this result the hard yellow husk must be separated
    from the soft white core, as does the parrot, and the latter
    alone retained for baking purposes.”—­Evening Paper.

As in these days no means of increasing the supply of food-stuffs should be neglected, we have much pleasure in passing on “Retired Diplomat’s” suggestion to the authorities of the Zoo.  Personally we prefer Cockatoo en casserole.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE PRICE OF VICTORY.

“WELL, OLD GIRL, IF WE CAN’T DO THAT MUCH, WE DON’T DESERVE TO WIN.”]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, April 30th.—­After this week Newmarket will be “a blasted heath,” for all horse-racing is to be stopped.  Irish Members could hardly believe the dreadful news.  What are the hundred thousand young men who refuse to for their country to do with their spare time?

Scotch Members, on the contrary, were rather pleased.  Mr. DUNCAN MILLAR, whose desire to deprive his countrymen of their national beverage is only equalled by his zeal on behalf of their national food, rejoiced in the prospect that fewer oats for high-mettled racers would mean more “parritch” for humble constituents.

[Illustration:  THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES’ GRILLE.

The SPEAKER and Sir A. MOND (together).  “AFTER YOU, SIR.”]