* * * * *

[Illustration:  A FATAL OBJECTION.

“MOTHER, ARE THE WONDERGILTS VERY RICH?”

“YES, SILVIA, VERY.”

“MOTHER, I HOPE WE SHALL NEVER BE RICH?”

“WHY, DARLING?”

“IT MUST BE SO VERY EXPENSIVE!”]

* * * * *

ADVERTISING IN EXCELSIS.

    SCENE—­Interior of the Universal Advertisement Stations
    Company’s Offices.  Managing Director discovered presiding
    over a large staff of Clerks.  Enter Possible Customer.

Possible Customer. I see from the papers that it is proposed to turn the Suez Canal to account by erecting hoardings—­have you anything to do with it?

Managing Director. No, Sir; but we do a very large cosmopolitan business of the same sort.  Have you anything to advertise?

Pos.  Cus. Well, yes—­several things.  For instance, I am bringing out a new sort of Beer.  Can you recommend me good stations for that?

Man.  Dir. Certainly, Sir.  We have contracted for the whole of the best positions in the Desert of Sahara.  If you get out a good poster in Arabic, it should be the means of furthering the trade amongst the Arabs.

Pos.  Cus. Thanks.  Then I have a fresh Pill.  What about that?

Man.  Dir. Well, Sir, pills (excuse the pleasantry) are rather a drug in the market; but I think we might try it amongst the Esquimaux.  We have some capital crossroads in the Arctic Regions, and a really commanding position at the North Pole.

Pos.  Cus. What can I do with a newly-patented Disinfectant?

Man.  Dir. We have the Spire of Cologne Cathedral, and both sides of the Bridge of Sighs; in fact, if you like to push the sale in Venice, we would offer you the front of the Doge’s Palace on the most advantageous terms.

Pos.  Cus. Then I have an Everlasting Boot.

Man.  Dir. I must confess, Sir, that boots (you will excuse the pleasantry) are rather worn out; but perhaps the Himalayas (where we have all the summits vacant) might suit your purpose.

Pos.  Cus. Well, I will give your suggestions my best consideration.

Man.  Dir. (anxious to trade).  Can’t I tempt you, Sir, with a million bills or so?  We have all the best Royal Palaces in Europe, and the most frequented of the Indian Temples.  There is scarcely a spot of any historical interest that we have not secured for our hoardings.  Just added the Field of Waterloo, the Temple Gardens, and site of ancient Carthage to our list.  We can do it very cheaply for you, Sir, if your order is a large one.

Pos.  Cus. How about the papers?

Man.  Dir. Well, we insert advertisements in them, too.  Shall we begin with three columns in all the leading journals of the world?

Pos.  Cus. No, thank you.  I think I will commence on a somewhat smaller scale. (Gives document.) Here is an order for three inches for one insertion on the leader-page of the Pimlico Pump.