unloading the waggon to put the hay into the barn, she watched an opportunity, in my absence, to take the fork out of the stick, and hide it:  when I came again to my work, and could not find it, I was a good deal vexed, but I concluded it was dropt somewhere among the hay; so I went and bought another with my own money:  when the girl saw that I had another, she was so malicious that she told my mistress I was very unfaithful, and not the person she took me for; and that she knew, I had, without my master’s permission, order’d many things in his name, that he must pay for; and as a proof of my carelessness produc’d the fork she had taken out of the stick, and said, she had found it out of doors—­My Lady, not knowing the truth of these things, was a little shy to me, till she mention’d it, and then I soon cleared myself, and convinc’d her that these accusations were false.

I continued in a most unhappy state for many days.  My good mistress insisted on knowing what was the matter.  When I made known my situation she gave me John Bunyan on the holy war, to read; I found his experience similar to my own, which gave me reason to suppose he must be a bad man; as I was convinc’d of my own corrupt nature, and the misery of my own heart:  and as he acknowledg’d that he was likewise in the same condition, I experienc’d no relief at all in reading his work, but rather the reverse.—­I took the book to my lady, and inform’d her I did not like it at all, it was concerning a wicked man as bad as myself; and I did not chuse to read it, and I desir’d her to give me another, wrote by a better man that was holy and without sin.—­She assur’d me that John Bunyan was a good man, but she could not convince me; I thought him to be too much like myself to be upright, as his experience seem’d to answer with my own.

I am very sensible that nothing but the great power and unspeakable mercies of the Lord could relieve my soul from the heavy burden it laboured under at that time.—­A few days after my master gave me Baxter’s Call to the unconverted.  This was no relief to me neither; on the contrary it occasioned as much distress in me as the other had before done, as it invited all to come to Christ and I found myself so wicked and miserable that I could not come—­This consideration threw me into agonies that cannot be described; insomuch that I even attempted to put an end to my life—­I took one of the large case-knives, and went into the stable with an intent to destroy myself; and as I endeavoured with all my strength to force the knife into my side, it bent double.  I was instantly struck with horror at the thought of my own rashness, and my conscience told me that had I succeeded in this attempt I should probably have gone to hell.