“Now and then one is allowed a joy that would outweigh years of disappointment.  You two pups have given me one of those joys to-night.  It’s my task to make this voyage your Vigil; and a perfect Vigil.  It’s all inexpressibly dear to me.  I’m going to send you down the gangway when you go ashore to this crusade—­properly absolved by your Church.  I’m going to send you into the fight—­white.”

CHAPTER V

PENANCE

Sec.1

Upon the rail leaned Doe and I watching the waves break away from the ship.  It was morning, and we were troubled—­troubled over the awful difficulty of making our life confession on the morrow.  Monty had given much pains to preparing us.  He had sat with each under the awning on sunny days, and told him how to do it.  We were to divide our lives into periods:  our childhood, our schooldays, and our life in the army.  We were to search each period carefully, and note down on a single sheet of writing-paper the sins that we must confess.  But, wanting to do it thoroughly, I had already reached my ninth sheet.  And I was still only at the beginning of my schooldays.  I had acknowledged this to Monty, who smiled kindly, and said:  “It is a Via Dolorosa, isn’t it?  But carry on.  For the joy that is set before you, endure the cross.”

“It was easy enough,” complained Doe, “to say frankly ‘everything’ when he asked us what we had to confess; but, when you’ve got to go into details, it’s the limit.  I wish I were dead.  Monty gave me a long list of questions for self-examination, and I had to go back and ask him for more.  They didn’t nearly cover all I’d done.”

I couldn’t help smiling.

“Yes,” proceeded Doe, “Monty laughed too, and said:  ’Don’t get rattled.  You’re one of the best, and proving it every moment.’  And that brings me to my other difficulty.  Rupert, all my life I’ve done things for my own glory; and I did want to make this confession a perfect thing, free from wrong motives like that.  But you’ve no idea how self-glorification has eaten into me.  I find myself hoping Monty will say mine is the best life confession he has ever heard.  Isn’t it awful?” He sighed and murmured:  “I wonder if I shall ever do an absolutely perfect thing.”

Such a character as Doe’s must ever love to unrobe itself before a friend; and he continued: 

“No, I know my motives are mixed with wrong.  For example, I don’t believe I should do this, if some other chaplain, instead of Monty, had asked me to do it.  And your saying you’d do it had much too much to do with my consenting.  But I am trying to do it properly.  And, after turning my life inside out, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a bundle of sentiment and self-glorification.  The only good thing that I can see in myself is that where I love I give myself utterly.  It’s awful.”