But early in the War there came
  A squad of men of rowing fame. 
  With them, his choicest oaths he found
  Fell upon bored and barren ground. 
  He lavished all his hoard, full tale;
  They did not blench, they did not quail. 
  His plethora of plums he spilt;
  They did not wince, they did not wilt. 
  Poor fellow!  As they left him there,
  He heard one beardless boy declare,
  “Jove! what a milk-and-water chap! 
  I thought non-coms. had oaths on tap.” 
  Another said, “We’d soon be fit
  If we were only cursed a bit!”

  Sergt.-Instructor George Bellairs,
  He stands and stares, and stares and stares;
  Then (he who late so freely cursed)
  Tried to express himself and—­burst!

* * * * *

SPRING FASHIONS FOR MEN.

    “Lord ——­, who managed to be present, wore a festive air with a
    button-hole of lilies of the valley.”—­Ramsey Courier.

* * * * *

    “LOST, between Huddersfield and Saddleworth, on the 7th inst, Two Swing
    Doors.”—­Provincial Paper.

What became of the rest of the storey?

* * * * *

The SULTAN has presented the GERMAN KAISER with a sword of honour—­“Same I massacred the Armenians,” as Rawdon Crawley would have said.

* * * * *

“The launching of the first great Allied offensive of this year has fallen at such a time in the week that it is unfortunately impossible to deal with it at all thoroughly in the present number.”—­Land and Water.

Sir DOUGLAS HAIG ought to be more considerate.

* * * * *

A RATIONAL QUESTION.

Dear Mr. Punch,—­Seeing from your cartoon that you have views of your own on Food Control, may I put a puzzling case to you?  The other evening, after the theatre, I wished to give some supper to a hungry young soldier friend who any day now may be summoned to France.  It was a quarter past eleven and I led him to a restaurant near Piccadilly Circus which was still open and busy.  But the door-keeper refused to admit him.  I might go in—­oh, yes—­but not a soldier.  Now I am an elderly civilian, doing very little for my country except carrying on my own business and paying my way and my taxes; but this boy is a fighter, prepared to die for England if need be.  Yet it is I who am allowed to eat at night, and not he, however much in need of food he may be!  Surely there is some want of logic here?

  I am, Yours faithfully,
      PERPLEXED CIVILIAN.

* * * * *

    “April came in yesterday with none of the mildness
    eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllll xfifl vbg emf shr tao hr which is proverbially
    associated with that month.”—­Glasgow Evening Times.