***

[Illustration:  Small Invalid (to visitor).  “I’ve had A lot of diseases in my time —­ measles —­ whooping-Cough —­ influenza —­ tonsilitis —­ but (modestly) I haven’t had dropsy yet.”]

***

Mr. Duke has just stated that there is work for all in Ireland.  This is not the way to make the Government popular in the distressed isle.

***

The Vienna Zeit says the worst enemy of the people is their appetite.  Several local humourists have been severely dealt with for pointing out that eating is the best way of getting rid of this pest.

***

A Stepney market porter attempted last week to evade military service by hiding in a cupboard, but the police captured him despite the fact that he attempted to throw them off the scent by making a noise like a piece of cheese—­a very old device.

***

On one day of Eastertide there was an inch of snow in Liverpool, followed by hailstones, lightning, thunder and a gale of wind.  Summer has certainly arrived very early this year.

***

The Berliner Tageblatt makes much of the fact that a recent submarine expedition was carried out by means of German Naval officers on board a trawler “disguised as ordinary men.”  A clever piece of masquerading.

***

“Members of the Honor Oak Golf Club,” says a contemporary, “are arranging to play their rounds to the music of grunting pigs, cackling fowls and bleating lambs.”  With a little practice these intelligent animals should soon be able to convey their appreciation of the more elementary strokes.

***

WOLF’S comet is approaching the earth at the rate of 1,250,000 miles a day, and our special constables have been warned.

***

England, said Lord Leicester recently, is neglecting her trees during the War.  But with our Great Tree (Sir Beerbohm) it is the other way about.

***

The overseer of one of the workhouses in the vicinity of London is to receive an additional four pounds a year in place of beer.  It is hoped that this sum will buy him a nice glass of stout for his next Christmas dinner.

***

In justice to the thieves who removed 1-1/2 cwt. of sugar from a grocer’s shop in Kentish Town it should be stated that had it not been for an untimely alarm it was their intention to have taken a sufficient quantity of other articles to justify their appropriation of that amount of sugar.

***

    “Only the older generation recalls the glass of sherry and slice of
    Madeira that used to be the invariable refreshment offered in the
    farmhouses of the Southwest.”—­Daily Telegraph.

Our own recollection is that it was sometimes a glass of Madeira and a hunk of sherry.