Chorus.—­I’m Ever-Green myself, ye know, &c.

  When the law can stop your friends, my dear, from growing as they
          grow,
  When the Tories stop my “flowing tide” from flowing as ’twill flow,
  Then I will change the colour, dear, that in my specs is seen,
  But until that day, please Heaven, I’ll stick to Wearing of the
          Green.

Chorus.

  I am Ever-Green myself as is your own dear Emerald Land,
  And that is why the Green Isle’s case I’ve learned to understand. 
  ’Tis the most disthressful country, yours, that ever yet was seen;
  But I’ll right ye.  Twig my glasses, dear!  I’m Wearing of the
          Green!]

* * * * *

The last train.

  It will fade from mortal vision,
    So the fashion-plates ordain;
  Worthy subject of derision,
    Not the mail, but female, train!

  It has goaded men to mutter
    Words unhappily profane,
  Trailed in ball-room or in gutter,
    Whether cheap or first-class train.

  Far and wide, on floor and paving,
    Spread the dress to catch the swain;
  Sometimes long—­in distance waving;
    Sometimes wide—­a “broad-gauge train.”

  It has dragged a long existence
    Through the dust, the mud, the rain,
  Great is feminine persistence,
    She would never lose the train.

  Booby-traps were beaten hollow,
    Hapless man stepped back in vain,
  Knowing what a trip would follow
    If he only caught the train!

  Oh, the anguish that it gave us,
    Quite unnecessary pain! 
  Worth, not Westinghouse, will save us,
    And at last will stop the train!

* * * * *

Mrs. R., hearing her Nephew say that he had been discussing some “Two-year-old Stakes” with a friend, observed that she was afraid they must have been dreadfully tough, adding, after consideration, “Perhaps they were frozen meat.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  An exciting time.

Poor Jones is convinced that his Worst Fears are at last realised, and
he IS Left alone with A DANGEROUS LUNATIC!! (IT WAS ONLY LITTLE
WOBBLES RUNNING ANXIOUSLY OVER THE POINTS OF HIS COMING SPEECH TO THE
ELECTORS OF PLUMPWELL-ON-TYME!!)]

* * * * *

THE CANDIDATE’S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.

(In Answer to a Sweep asking for a F.O.  Clerkship.)

MY DEAR MR. ——­,

Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to secure for your interesting son a Clerkship in the Foreign Office.  The fact that he has a distaste for the profession to which you belong would be no disqualification.  I agree with you that chimney-sweeping is better than diplomacy.  However, if he won’t help you it can’t be helped.  I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election.  Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to assist you,