Patrick says he suddenly heard the bull voice of a Hun officer hic-coughing gutturals, and they were on him.  He had no time to send up an S.O.S. rocket, and his machine-gun jammed.  In a minute they were all mixed up, at it tooth and claw as merry as a Galway election, the big Bosch officer, throwing off a hymn of hate, the life and soul of the party.  He came for Patrick with an automatic, and Patrick thought all was up; and so it would have been but for Goldilocks, who materialized suddenly out of nowhere, deftly tripped up his officer from behind, and, dancing on his stomach with inspired hooves, trod him out of sight.

Their moving spirit being wiped out, the Huns lost whatever heart they had had, and went through their “Kamerad” exercise without further ado.

When the excitement was over Patrick sought out Goldilocks, and, shaking him warmly by the hand, thanked him for suppressing the officer and saving the situation.

“Situation be damned” (or words to that effect), Goldilocks retorted.  “He would have pinched my butter!”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Clerk. “YES, SIR, IT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, SIR.  TWINS I AM HAPPY TO SAY, SIR.  ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS A WEEK WILL COME IN VERY HANDY, SIR.”

Employer (imagining him to mean a rise in salary).  “ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS A WEEK!  GOOD LORD!!”

Clerk. “YES SIR.  LORD DEVONPORT, SIR.”]

* * * * *

THE FLOWERLESS FUTURE.

(Notes from a Society newspaper of the coming vegetable epoch.)

PERSONAL PARS.

We regret to learn that Lady Diana Dashweed has returned from Nice suffering from nervous shock.  During a battle of vegetables at the recent carnival Lady Diana, while in the act of aiming a tomato at a well-known peer, was struck on the head by a fourteen-pound marrow hurled by some unknown admirer.  There is unfortunately a growing tendency at these festivities to use missiles over the regulation weight.

* * * * *

A daring innovation was made by last Wednesday’s bride.  One has become so accustomed to the orthodox cauliflower bouquet at weddings that it came almost as a shock to see her holding a huge bunch of rich crimson beetroots, tied with old-gold streamers.  The effect however was altogether delightful.

* * * * *

The decorations for a particularly smart “pink-and-white” dinner at one of our smartest restaurants last evening were charmingly carried out in spring rhubarb and Spanish onions, the table being softly illuminated by tinted electric lights concealed in hollow turnips, fashioned to represent the heads of famous statesmen.

* * * * *

FROM THE SERIAL STORY.

“Sick at heart, Adela tottered across the room and, opening her bureau, drew from its secret hiding-place an old letter.  As she tremblingly removed it from the envelope a few faded leaves fluttered down to the floor.  It was the brussels-sprout he had given her on the night they parted.”