***

[Illustration:  Impressionable Grocer. “Believe, me, miss, in war-time A grocer Needs A ’EART as cold as an ’INDENBURG.”]

***

A man at Bristol charged as an absentee said that he had been so busy wilting poetry that he had forgotten all about military matters.  His very emphatic assurance that he will now push on with the War has afforded the liveliest satisfaction to the authorities concerned.

***

“Owing to restrictions on the output of beer,” says a contemporary, “the passing of the village inn is merely a question of time.”  Even before the War it often took hours and hours.

***

It is announced that a wealthy American lady with Socialistic leanings will, at the end of the War, marry a well-known conscientious objector at present undergoing a term of imprisonment.  The American craze for curio-hunting has not abated one bit.

***

A woman in North London who two years ago offered her services to the Government in any capacity has just been informed that her offer is noted.  There is good reason to believe that she will he among the first women called upon for service in our next war.

***

Because a man had jilted her fifteen years ago, a Spanish woman shot him while he was being married to another woman.  It is a remarkable thing, but rarely does a marriage ceremony go off in Spain without some little hitch or other.

***

Proper mastication of food is necessary in these times, and we are not surprised to hear that one large dental firm are advertising double sets of teeth with a two-speed gear attachment.

***

According to The Pall Mall Gazette, Mr. Lloyd George’s double was seen at Cardiff the other day.  The suggestion that there are two Lloyd Georges in the world has caused consternation among the German Headquarters Staff.

***

The bones of a woolly rhinoceros have been dug up twenty-three feet below the surface at High Wycombe, and very strong expressions have been used in the locality concerning this gross example of food-hoarding.

***

Complaint has been made by a brass finisher at Oldham that his fellow-workmen will not speak to him because he receives less wages than they do.  To end an awkward situation it is hoped that the good fellow may eventually consent to accept a weekly wage on the higher scale.

* * * * *

Notice.

The Proprietors of Punch are glad to announce that they find themselves in a position to revert, for the time being at any rate, to the type and size of Punch as they were before the recent changes.

* * * * *

Punch’s roll of honour.