“SCHNAPPS.”—­The correct version is:—­

  “In the matter of U-Boats the fault of the Dutch
  Is protesting too little and standing too much.”

“CARILLON.”—­You ask how the Germans will manage for their joy-peals now that the military authorities have commandeered the church bells.  It was very bright of you to think of this.  The answer is that, in view of pressing national needs, they are going to give up having victories.  After all, this is an age of sacrifice.  EDITOR.

* * * * *

Commercial Candour.

“Abandon housekeeping and live in comfort at the hotel ------. 
Not too large to give the best of service, and not too small to be
uncomfortable.”—­Morning Paper.

* * * * *

We feel it to be our patriotic duty to call the attention of the FOOD CONTROLLER to the conduct of a well-known restaurant which blatantly describes itself on a bill of fare as

    “THE GORGE AND VULTURE.”

* * * * *

    “Women lamplighters will shortly be seen in the submarine districts of
    London.”—­Bradford Daily Argus.

But to prevent disappointment we ought to mention that this phenomenon can only be witnessed by the Argus-eyed.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  ALSO RAN.

WILLIAM.  “ARE YOUR LURING THEM ON, LIKE ME?” MEHMED.  “I’M AFRAID I
AM!”]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, February 26th.—­The new Member for Roscommon has not yet appeared in the House, but he is nevertheless doing his bit more effectively, perhaps, than some of his compatriots.  The SPEAKER’S ruling is “No seat, no salary”; so Count PLUNKETT will have the satisfaction of knowing that by his self-sacrificing absence he is paying the expenses of the War for at least five seconds.

With suitable solemnity Sir EDWARD CARSON gave a brief account of the exploits of the German destroyer squadrons.  One of them, comprising several vessels, had engaged a single British destroyer for several minutes before cleverly executing a strategic movement in the direction of the German coast; while another had simultaneously bombarded the strongholds of Broadstairs and Margate, completely demolishing two entire houses.  The damage would have been still more serious but for the fortunate circumstance that the fortresses erected on the foreshore last summer by an army of youthful workpeople had been subsequently removed.

Any gloom engendered by the fore-going announcement was quickly dissipated by Mr. BONAR LAW, who read a telegram from General MAUDE, announcing the fall of Kut-el-Amara.