Then having arrived (just to drive down the phlegm),
  I’d clear out my throat and pronounce a loud “Hem!”
  (So th’ appearance of summer’s preceded by swallows,)
  Make my bow to the House, and address it as follows:—­
  “Mr. Speaker! the state of the Criminal Laws”
  (Thus, like Cicero, at once go right into the cause)
  Is such as demands our most serious attention,
  And strong reprobation, and quick intervention.” 
  (This rattling of words, which is quite in the fashion,
  Shows the depth of my zeal, and the force of my passion.)
  “Though the traitor’s obligingly eased of his head—­
  Though a Wilde[2] to the dark-frowning gallows is led—­
  Tho’ the robber, when caught, is most kindly sent hence
  Beyond the blue wave, at his country’s expense!—­
  Yet so bad, so disgracefully bad, seems to me
  The state of the law in this ‘Land of the free’”—­
  (Speak these words in a manner most zealous and fervid)—­
  That there’s no law for those who most richly deserve it! 
  Yes, Sir, ’tis a fact not less true than astounding—­
  A fact—­to the wise with instruction abounding,
  That those who the face of the country destroy,
  And hurl o’er the best scenes of Nature alloy—­
  Who Earth’s brightest portions cut through at a dash—­
  Who mix beauty and beastliness all in one hash”—­
  (I don’t dwell upon deaths, since a reason so brittle
  Is but worthy of minds unpoetic and little)—­
  “Base scum of the Earth, and sweet Nature’s dissectors,
  Meet with no just reward—­these same Railway Directors!”
  I’ve not mentioned the “Laughters,” the “Bravos,” the “Hears,”
  “Agitations,” “Sensations,” and “Deafening Cheers,”
  Which of course would attend a speech so patriotic,
  So truly exciting, and anti-narcotic! 
  In this style I’d proceed, ’till I’d proved to the House
  That these railways, in fact, were a national chouse,
  And the best thing to do for poor Earth, to protect her,
  Would be—­to hang daily a Railway Director!
  Of course the Hon. Members could ne’er have a thought
  Of opposing a motion with kindness so fraught;
  But would welcome with fervent and loud acclamation }
  A project so teeming with consideration, }
  As a model of justice, a boon to the nation! }
  Such, Simon, if I were a Parliament man,
  The basis would be, and the scope, of my plan! 
  But my rushlight is drooping—­so trusting diurnally,
  To hear your opinion—­believe me eternally
  (Whilst swearing affection, best swear in the lump)
  Your obedient,
      devoted,
          admiring,
              JOHN STUMP.

[1] The exact tune of this interesting song it has not been in
our power to discover—­it is, however, undoubtedly a truly
national melody.

[2] After due inquiry we have satisfied ourselves that the
individual here mentioned is not H.M.’s late
Solicitor-General, but one Jonathan Wilde, touching whose
history vide Jack Sheppard.