The certificate of attendance upon lectures is only obtained in its most approved state by much clever manoeuvring.  It is important to bear in mind that a lecturer should never be asked whilst he is loitering about the school for his signature of the student’s diligence.  He may then have time to recollect his ignorance of his pupil’s face at his discourses.  He should always be caught flying—­either immediately before or after his lecture—­in order that the whole business may be too hurried to admit of investigation.  In the space left for the degree of attention which the student has shown, it is better that he subscribes nothing at all than an indifferent report; because, in the former case, the student can fill it up to his own satisfaction.  He usually prefers the phrase—­“with unremitting diligence.”

And having arrived at this important section of our Physiology, it behoves us to publish, for the benefit of medical students in general, and those about to go up in particular, the following

CODE OF INSTRUCTIONS

TO BE OBSERVED BY THOSE PREPARING FOR EXAMINATION AT THE HALL.

1.  Previously to going up, take some pills and get your hair cut.  This not only clears your faculties, but improves your appearance.  The Court of Examiners dislike long hair.

2.  Do not drink too much stout before you go in, with the idea that it will give you pluck.  It renders you very valiant for half an hour and then muddles your notions with indescribable confusion.

3.  Having arrived at the Hall, put your rings and chains in your pocket, and, if practicable, publish a pair of spectacles.  This will endow you with a grave look.

4.  On taking your place at the table, if you wish to gain time, feign to be intensely frightened.  One of the examiners will then rise to give you a tumbler of water, which you may, with good effect, rattle tremulously against your teeth when drinking.  This may possibly lead them to excuse bad answers on the score of extreme nervous trepidation.

5.  Should things appear to be going against you, get up a hectic cough, which is easily imitated, and look acutely miserable, which you will probably do without trying.

6.  Endeavour to assume an off-hand manner of answering; and when you have stated any pathological fact—­right or wrong—­stick to it; if they want a case for example, invent one, “that happened when you were an apprentice in the country.”  This assumed confidence will sometimes bother them.  We knew a student who once swore at the Hall, that he gave opium in a case of concussion of the brain, and that the patient never required anything else.  It was true—­he never did.

7.  Should you be fortunate enough to pass, go to your hospital next day and report your examination, describing it as the most extraordinary ordeal of deep-searching questions ever undergone.  This will make the professors think well of you, and the new men deem yon little less than a mental Colossus.  Say, also, “you were complimented by the Court.”  This advice is, however, scarcely necessary, as we never know a student pass who was not thus honoured—­according to his own account.