OFFICIAL RETURN,

Two decanters         starred;
One salt-cellar       smithereened;
Four tumblers         cracked uncommonly;
An extra waiter       many bruises, and fractured pantaloons.

The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical wind is ever in active operation.  Both these miseries were consequent upon the Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a series of catarrhs enter the house as the rout-stools made their exit.  He was quite right; for the next fortnight neck-of-mutton broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied by tea, gruel, and toast-and-water.

There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been called “the cherub,” “the sweet one,” “the mother’s duck of the world,” and “daddy’s darling.”  Several names had been suggested by the several friends and relatives of the family, but nothing decisive had been agreed to.

Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his grandfather, the member for Puddingbury, “in the hope,” as he expressed himself, “that he might in after years be stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents and virtues of his great ancestor.” (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs. Applebite, and the rest of the ladies.  Isaac declared vulgar, except in the case of the member for Puddingbury.)

Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened Roger de Dickey, after her mother’s great progenitor, who was said to have come over with William the Conqueror, but whether in the capacity of a lacquey or a lord-in-waiting was never, and perhaps never will be, determined.  (Opposed by Agamemnon, on the ground that ill-natured people would be sure to dispense with the De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey.  In this opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.)

The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he should be called—­

ALBERT (we give her own reasons)—­because the Queen’s husband was so named.

AGAMEMNON—­because of the alliteration and his papa.

DAVIS—­because an old maiden lady who was independent had said that she thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was Davis.

MONTAGUE—­because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one she intended to address him by in general conversation.

COLLUMPSION—­as her papa.

PHIPPS—­because she had had a dream in which a number of bags or gold were marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and

APPLEBITE—­as a matter of course.

(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for—­nothing in particular, and by Agamemnon on the score of economy.  The heir being certain to employ a lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in that way alone.)

Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and at length it was agreed that the names should be written upon strips of paper and drawn by the nominees.  The necessary arrangements being completed, the three proceeded to the ballot.