This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry:  each party seized his hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house, vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection, Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who was so utterly blind to their manifold merits.

Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.

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SIR FRANCIS BURDETT’S VISIT TO THE TOWER.

On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir Francis Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, which must have suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost popularity and faded glory.  Some thirty years ago, those very walls received him like a second Hampden, the undaunted defender of his country’s rights;—­on last Monday he entered them a broken-down unhonoured parasite.  Gazing on the black and smouldering ruins before him—­he perhaps compared them to his own patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly—­

[Illustration:  CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?]

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REFORM YOUR LAWYERS’ BILLS.

It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living within one’s income.  Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the one standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances.  The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from well-calculated and moderate expenditure.  Ten thousand a year renders pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified by Ribston pippins!

So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion.  Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen—­raptures from wrenched-off knockers—­merriment in contusions—­and frantic delight in fractured limbs!  These innocent amusements have in their prosecution plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.

Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes, Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,—­they, Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following list.