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CUSTOM-HOUSE SALE.  LOT 1.—­A PORT.

  For sale, Thorwaldsen’s Byron, rich in beauty,
  Because his country owes, and will not pay, “duty.”

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THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.

CHAPTER VI.

TREATS OF CHALK-AND-QUA-DRILL-OGY.

[Illustration:  E]Entirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning.  The carpet was spoiled—­the house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and the company was expected to arrive at nine o’clock.  What was to be done?  Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, assafoetida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor.  As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into effect.  A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty.

Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at length was fortunate enough to secure the “own artist” of the celebrated “Crown and Anchor.”  Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration.

“You see, sir,” said Mr. Smear, “that wherever that ere water has been it’s left a dampness ahind it; the moistur’ consekent upon such a dampness must be evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming-pan.  The steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra hart required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make the job come to one-pund-one, independently of the chalk.”

Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smear’s demand; and one warming and three stew-pans, filled with live coals, were soon engaged in what Mr. Smear called the “ewaporating department.”  As soon as the boards were sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations.  In each of the four corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and bells, connecting them with each other by graceful festoons of blue-chalk ribbon tied in large true-lover’s