“The heart”—­“the feelings”—­pshaw! for nought
They go, I grant, though quite enchanting
In valentines by school-girls wrought: 
Nonsense! by me they are not wanting. 
A note! and, as I live, a ring! 
“Pity the sad suspense I suffer!”
All’s right.  I knew to book I’d bring
Old Brown.  I’ve caught—­
A RICH OLD BUFFER.

* * * * *

PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS.

A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed Victuallers’ fete at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday evening, bursts into the following magnificent flight:—­“Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan, to deify the brute” (the writer will never increase the mythology); “but here,” (that is, in the royal property,) “while intellect and skill” (together with Roman candles) “exhibit their various manifestations, Charity” (arrack punch and blue fire) “throw their benign halo over the festive scene” (in the circle and Widdicomb), “and not only sanctify the enjoyment” (of ham and Green’s ascent), “but improve” (the appetite) “and elevate” (the victuallers) “the feelings” (and the sky-rockets) “of all who participate in it” (and the sticks coming down).  “This is, truly an occasion when every licensed victualler should be at his post” (with a stretcher in waiting).

* * * * *

IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.

As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy one—­for PUNCH—­we have engaged some highly talented gentlemen expressly to report the fun in the House.  The public will therefore have the benefit of all the senatorial brilliancy, combined with our own peculiar powers of description.  Sibthorp—­(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace the magic word)—­shall, for one session at least, have justice done to his Sheridanic mind.  Muntz shall be cut with a friendly hand, and Peter Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic glories are returned, when his name, and that of “Avon’s swan,” figured daily in the “Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette.”  Let any member prove himself worthy of being associated with the brilliant names which ornament our pages, and be certain we will insure his immortality.  We will now proceed to our report of

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH.

      MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
          This morn at crow-cock,
          Great Doctor Locock
  Decided that her Majesty had better
  Remain at home, for (as I read the letter)
  He thought the opening speech
  Would be “more honoured in the breach
  Than the observance.”  So here I am,
  To read a royal speech without a flam. 
  Her Majesty continues to receive
  From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe
  That, for the universe, they would not tease her,
  But do whate’er they could on earth to please her.