That was the cause of all my woe—­
    Good lack, I blame my thumbs in vain;
  Still on the cloth’s expanded snow
    I seem to see that yellow stain. 
  And still you sit and speak me fair,
    And still your Butler grimly smiles,
  The while I paint in mustard there
    A sketch-map of the British Isles. 
  I think it had repaid my guilt
    Had you flashed fire like Ashtaroth,
  And scorched the clumsy wretch who spilt
    That flood of mustard on your cloth.

  Beef, pudding, cherry-tart, and cream,
    What more could mortal man desire? 
  I munched them idly in a dream,
    My head sang like a village choir. 
  I fumbled with the silver pot
    From which that tawny torrent ran;
  I heard you say it mattered not,
    To cheer a miserable man. 
  So here I thank you; may I be
    Extinct as is the Behemoth
  Rather than spill by Fate’s decree
    Once more the mustard on your cloth.

* * * * *

THE NEXT AFRICAN MISSION.

(TELEGRAPHIC PRECIS OF THE NEGOCIATIONS.)

First Day.—­Arrived safely at the Sultan’s capital.  Everything in proper order.  Draft Treaty in my trunk with my diplomatic uniform.  Escort in marching order.  Ammunition in waggon.  Quite ready to commence negociations.  Only waiting for the conjuring paraphernalia of Herr VON KLEVERMANN to come up with us.  Thought that that special morning performance before the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands would delay matters.

Second Day.—­Herr VON KLEVERMANN and his traps have arrived in camp.  Looked over the conjuring tricks.  Sorry to find that one of the best (the Inexhaustible Bottle) has been stolen by the Queen of the Cannibal Islands.  As time is an object, unable to send back to recover it.  Might have to fight for it, too, which would possibly lessen the numbers of our escort.  Experts declare that the Inexhaustible Bottle could only be secured at the point of the bayonet.  Have arranged for a meeting with the Sultan to-morrow.

Third Day.—­Sultan’s toothache better.  His Majesty having sent word that he would be glad to see me, I, accompanied by the Interpreter, the Commander of the Escort, and last, but certainly not least, Herr VON KLEVERMANN, arrived at the Palace.  Found that the Lord High Chamberlain had been removed yesterday.  The Lord High Executioner was acting in his stead.  In fact, this overworked official seemed to be the solitary survivor of the Imperial Household.  The Lord High Executioner told us that His Majesty had been very irritable yesterday.  The Sultan, he said, was now in a good temper, and was quite harmless.  I found His Majesty most gracious.  However, he said that he was not quite prepared to sign a Commercial Treaty.  He offered, in lieu of signature, to give me twelve sacks of emeralds (uncut), and the wives of six of his Field-Marshals.  Explained that no representative of England could entertain such a suggestion.  The Sultan, upon this, terminated the interview.