Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.

* * * * *

    “His Majesty’s Government has declared that it is ready to grant
    sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and Consular
    personnel.”—­Daily Mail.

Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this hyphenated article.

* * * * *

THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.

II.

Nobody knows the misery of bein’ lapped in luxury in a billet better than me and Jim.  Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in the ‘ouse and our lives wasn’t worth livin’ owin’ to Mr. Dawkins and the little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin’ against us in consekence.  Seein’ that they ’adn’t a bed between ’em while we was given one apiece and their end of the table had next to nothin’ on when ours was weighed down with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin’ that Mr. Dawkins and the lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out.  But it were upsettin’, and Jim and me did ’ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins’s that we had a better time in store.

“Just goin’ to the Front, ain’t they, poor fellows?” she said to the billetin’ orficer.  “I’ll do my best by ’em.  Nobody wouldn’t like to coddle ’em better than I should, but ’twould be crule kindness to ’em, I knows.  If ’ardships are in store for ’em let ’em ’ave a taste before they goes, I says, and it won’t fall so ’eavy on ’em when they gets there.”

“There’s as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready and waitin’ for you,” she said to us, “but who with a woman’s heart in her could put you on a feather bed knowin’ you’ll be sleepin’ on the bare earth before three weeks is over your poor heads?  I’ve put you a shake of straw on the floor for to-night.  I’ll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get used to the boards.  I’ve wedged the winders top and bottom to make a draught through; that’ll help you to bear the wind over there.”

It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took ’old of Jim.  He’s inclined to toothake, and in the mornin’ his face were as big as a football.  “I am thankful I thought of the winders,” Mrs. Larkins said; “you’d ’ave suffered terrible if you’d ’ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now you’ll get used to it before you gets there.  A pepper plaster ’ud ease you direckly, but you’re goin’ where there’s no such things as pepper plasters, and it ’ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over ’ere.”

Jim was for runnin’ to the doctor to ’ave the tooth took out, but Mrs. Larkins wouldn’t ’ear of it.  “My poor fellow,” she said, “do you think a doctor’ll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in the trenches?  You’ll more like ’ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew.  I’ll lend you one willin’.”  But Jim said he wouldn’t trouble her just at present, he was feelin’ a little easier.